Are you concerned about the upcoming holidays as your family gathers? Are there challenges and issues with your aging parent that you and your siblings will likely face? Have you and your siblings had difficulty in reaching agreement in the past? If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, I hope this article will be helpful.
I learned the following 3 strategies from Kerry Patterson's book,
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High. I wish I had learned to put its techniques into practice
BEFORE my mother's crisis! I think it would have helped me work through
our family situation in a healthier fashion.
Strategy #1. Ask yourself this question: "Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?"
Oh, if I had just had that phrase/ that thought back when my mother was
in crisis! The question truly humanizes a person. It helps us believe
the best about a person and seek the underlying motivation for their
words and actions. After all, my brother and I both wanted our mother to
have the best quality of life possible for the rest of her life. We
both shared the same desire. It was just that our approach, our timing,
our perspective of how to get there differed dramatically. If I had
known to ask myself this question, it would have served to facilitate my
brother's and my discussion to reach a consensus which, in turn, would
have helped us make the right choice for our elderly mother without any
hostility.
Strategy #2. Expand the problem at hand. Yes!
Instead of getting stuck in an "either/or" trap, add complexity to the
problem and your thinking. Combine your problem with an AND question
that forces more creative and productive thinking. It can get us past
auto-pilot responses of withdrawal or control. Here's an example: Is there a way to talk to my brother about keeping his commitments AND not come across as self-righteous and demanding?
This phrasing could have prevented me from alienating my brother. We
lost precious time dealing with our issues when we should have been
focused on helping our mother.
Strategy #3. Be sure to establish mutual purpose (what do we both want?) and mutual respect
(care about each other) in every conversation and interaction. We need
to sincerely help the other person feel safe and understood. If I had
refrained from jumping on my brother about every thing that bothered me
and instead focused on our mother's needs, we would have been able to
help our mother while maintaining peace in the family. Peace in the
family may sound like an elusive thing, but my mother's greatest desire
was for everyone to get along.
I encourage you to use these 3
strategies to understand and deal effectively with your sibling. Once
you reach the place where you and your sibling are on the same page,
then you can focus all your time and energy for what's important,
helping your parent.
If you have an aging parent, I highly recommend getting a copy of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High. for yourself and siblings! Don't just read it. Put its principles in action for you and your family!
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