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- How to Resolve a Power Struggle with Siblings Over Your Aging Parent Sent Sunday, November 7, 2010

Transition Aging Parents

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Your source of insight and information to help your aging parents "thrive and find joy" in every stage of their life!

  

A Note from Dale  

 

Bi-Weekly Ezine Issue November 6, 2010 Volume 2 Issue 22

  • Dale's Notes - Fall Updates
  • Featured Article -  How to Resolve a Power Struggle with Siblings Over Your Aging Parent
  • Media Review-  Virtual Dementia Tour from The Doctors Show
  • Where's Dale - Presentations and Interviews
  • My Book - "Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & Change"

(This Ezine is published bi-weekly on Sundays.  You are on our list because you signed up for it at TransitionAgingParents.com.  To change your subscription, see link at the end of this email.  To view past issues, click here)

 

To get your F.R.E.E. 5-Part E-Course, "5 Essential Strategies for Helping Your Aging Parent Face Change", visit my website at http://www.transitionagingparents.com
 
If you received this email from a friend or other source and wish to receive my bi-weekly ezine, you may sign up at: http://www.transitionagingparents.com/our-ezine/

  

A Note from Dale  

 

Hello!  Hope you had a fun Halloween. When I visited one of my elderly friends in her community this week and asked, "how was your Halloween?", her face lit up as she shared her celebration. Although restricted to a wheelchair, "Mary" donned her favorite witch's cap and fake nose.  She was wheeled through her community, uplifting the spirits of those she visited. One thing I've learned from Mary is to find joy in the present moment!
 
I hope your parents, wherever they may be, will be enjoying the wonderful Fall and Winter holidays.  As I describe in my book, sometimes when life circumstances change, we need to find new "family" traditions.  If you can't be with your aging parents during the upcoming holidays, now is a good time to consider what you could do that would mean the most to your parents. Perhaps a special card/note, a family "conference call" (or Skype) or a specially made CD of their favorite music.  Take some time now to plan ahead and bring joy to your parent and yourself.
 
Updates:
  • If your parent has Alzheimer's, you'll want to check out Maria Shriver's excellent series on Good Morning America.  Maria has walked the journey with her own father, and now works tirelessly as an advocate.  She talks about what family caregivers need, and shares critical action items for employers, families, and communities.  (If you scroll down on that page, there's a great list of resource links for caregivers and patients.)  To view Maria's segment, click here.
  • Are you dealing with an abusive parent?  If you are or you're not sure, I encourage you to read this excellent article by our friends at AgingCare.com, "Setting boundaries with parents who are abusive."  To read the article, click here.
  • If your parent is in Assisted Living, do you feel confused about your role as caregiver? Kim Linder, host of the Caregiver Hour, was a guest on my radio show and gave some excellent advice on how we you "co-partner" with staff and advocate for your parent.  To listen to my interview with Kim, click here.

On to our ezine....
Our featured article explores a key resource when the struggle with a sibling deteriorates.  Even if your relationship is excellent at the present moment, I encourage you to read about elder mediation.  Then you'll be able to view a wonderful educational tool for families, the Virtual Dementia Tour kit, in a video clip from The Doctors Show.  And, be sure to mark your calendars for the last 2 radio shows of the Fall, 3 inspiring and informative guests.
 
Finally, to learn how my ADAPT method of caregiving can help you and your family, click here.  If you prefer listening to my interview with Susan Baida (eCareDiary.com), click here.

As always, my best wishes to you and your parent(s) as you journey together,

 

Dale Carter...

PS: Welcome to all my new subscribers!  I am so very grateful to have you as part of our Transition Aging Parents community.  I think you'll love the information, tips, and inspiration you'll be receiving!

 

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."  ~Mother Teresa

 

(Note:  If there is a topic, resource or person that you would like me to highlight in future issues, please write to me at dale.carter@transitionagingparents.com)

 


Featured Article

"How to Resolve a Power Struggle with Siblings Over Your Aging Parent"
 
Last week I heard from yet another adult daughter struggling with her brother.  I'll call her "Mary."  Although Mary's brother has Power of Attorney (POA) for their mother (in Assisted Living), he chose to remove himself from his mother's care.  Mary has been handling her mom's financial and health care matters for some time now.  But, last week, when she tried to reach out to her mother's bank for resolution of a problem, she found the bank would not speak with her since her brother's name was on the accounts and he had POA.  Dreading another heated confrontation, Mary finally convinced her mother to add her name to the accounts.  Of course, Mary realizes that is just a band-aid fix, and that in the next crisis or fix, she may be unable to avoid dealing with her brother.
 
A sadder situation is when the power struggle deteriorates into a court battle.  After delivering a recent seminar to family caregivers, one attendee ("Susan") shared that her sister had secured a Power of Attorney for their mother, and refused to allow Susan to even visit her mother during the dinner hour in her Assisted Living community.  If she did so, the sister called the police.  Susan shared that the following day they were scheduled to meet in court.  Susan's mother's health was deteriorating, and Susan simply wanted to be with her mother during what time she had left.
 

I made the same suggestion to both Mary and Susan.  Seek out an elder mediator.
 
Even if you think you'll never need a mediator or that your siblings would never consider such an option, I encourage you to listen to my interview with Shon Ingram (founder of ElderCare Life Solutions.)
 
 
Shon did a great job of explaining the benefits of reaching out to an elder mediator and how to get the most out of using such a service.  He shared that as an elder mediator, he helps families resolve conflict and make the best decision for their aging parent.  Whether it's dealing with driving issues, choosing a nursing home, or dealing with end-of-life issues, an elder mediator can be a critical resource.
 

A mediator is, by definition, "a neutral third party who facilitates the resolution of conflict involving two or more parties."


Those of us who have experienced challenging family dynamics during the crisis of a parent know that emotions can flare; it can be very hard to stay on topic; and, often we lose sight of the end goal.  A skilled mediator  can help us work through those challenges and do what's in the best interest of our parents.


Shon shared the following steps in the process.



Step 1, Introductions and ground rules.  It is typical to agree to be respectful, and allow each person to speak without being interrupted.


Step 2. All parties involved present their side of the story.


Step 3. Issues are clarified, summarized and prioritized.  All parties need to understand each other's needs.


Step 4. Creative brainstorming of possible solutions, using a whiteboard.  There can be 15-20 ideas shared at this point.


Step 5. Narrowing of options to the best and most workable solution(s).


Step 6. Documentation of the agreement and signing of agreement by all parties. There should be follow-up meeting to determine if the plan is working or how it needs to be adjusted.


Shon advises that family members should come to the mediation table with an open mind, and a thoughtfully prepared list of issues and concerns.  The elder mediator (who is unbiased, objective and knowledgable about aging issues, resources and facilitation), leads the family to consensus about the best decision for their aging parent.  The mediator does NOT make a decision for the family. 


If an issue is outside his area of expertise, Shon will turn to other professionals such as elder attorneys, or when faced with difficult end -of-life decisions, the hospital ethics committee.


Shon and his company, Eldercare Life Solutions, offer elder mediation and geriatric care management services in Alabama, Tennessee and Georgia.  To view the range of services offered and other resources, click here.  


If you are seeking such services in your area of the country, you may contact your Area Agency on Aging.


Also, below are Shon's website and two other websites he recommends:

  • Shon's website, Eldercare Life Solutions, click here.
  • Website for the National Association of Geriatric Care Managers, click here. 
  • Website for the National Care Planning Council's Long Term Care link, click here.    



 
 

BlogTalkRadio - Fall Lineup


Our Fall Series has gotten off to a great start with
  • Patricia Grace advising on "Sources of Financial Help for Your Aging Parent"
  • Missy Buchanan sharing her message of spiritual encouragement in "Living With Purpose in a Worn-Out Body"
  • Kim Linder advising how to adapt to our caregiver role when a parent transitions into Assisted Living
  • PK Beville sharing how her organization fulfills the dreams of elders and how her Virtual Dementia Tour kit can help family caregivers.
 Archived recordings are available for these and previous shows by clicking here.
 
There are still 2 shows left with featured guests, sharing their knowledge, expertise and personal experience in caregiving.  We cover an array of topics and offer you helpful resources, insights into caregiving, and actionable tools and strategies.  As one of my seminar attendees wrote, in her testimonial, "Caring for an aging parent is a lonely journey, kind of stumbling in the dark.  This seminar was like turning a light on so we could see which way to turn."
 
I sincerely hope that these radio interviews will be that light for you!
 
(Archived recordings of previous interviews can be found at: http://www.transitionagingparents.com/podcasts/)

The live show show can be found at:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dalec
 
Nov 16th: Dr. Jamie Huysman  Are You at Risk for Caregiver Compassion Fatigue?

Dr. Jamie Huysman (psychologist, psychiatric social worker, and co-founder of Leeza Gibbons Memory Foundation) joins me to share the warning signs and elements of compassion fatigue and care provider burnout.  He'll also explore some solutions and tools in creating your own personal self-care plan.  Catch a glimpse of some of Dr. Jamie's very important work by clicking here.


 
Nov 30th: Loren Shook and Stephen Winner.  The Silverado Story - A Memory-Care Culture Where Love is Greater than Fear. 
Loren Shook, Stephen Winner (co-founders of The Silverado and co-authors of this newly published book (title above) will be with us to discuss the wonderful culture and care at Silverado Assisted Living communities and their new book.
 
 
NOTE: In December, I will begin working on our 2011 lineup for "Transition Aging Parents" radio show.  I'd love to hear your suggestions for show topics and guests.  You can email me at dale.carter@transitionagingparents.com  Thank you!
 

 

Media Review

"Virtual Dementia Tour kit"

This past week I had the pleasure of having P.K. Beville on my radio show.  In addition to her wonderful work in fulfilling dreams of the elderly through her Second Wind Dreams organization, she has created an innovative, educational product for family caregivers. 
 
This past week, her kit was highlighted on "The Doctors" show.  You can watch one of the doctors as he uses this remarkable kit, and experiences "dementia" first-hand.  As he remarked, the kit allows a person to gain a deep understanding of what someone with "dementia" goes through.  To see the doctor use the kit, click here.
 
(All proceeds of the Virtual Dementia kit goes to the non-profit Second Wind Dreams, fulfilling the dreams of elderly.
To get more information or to purchase a kit, click here.)

 

Where's Dale?
  • November 13th.  I will be the keynote speaker at REAL Services' Caregiver Wellness Day. "ADAPT: Help for the Caregiver."  South Bend, Indiana. 
  • January 31 - February 4.  Continuing my southeast Speaking Tour in the Orlando / Tampa area.  Locations to be announced.
 

My Book - 

"Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & Change" (my new book)


"It's almost as though you took all my years of training and managed to put order to it.  The ADAPT method of caregiving will decrease stress and give great comfort to families in the eldercare world.  My fear is that we can't get it out to people fast enough."   

- P.K. Beville, M.S., Founder, Second Wind Dreams & Geriatric Specialist 

"This is a book you can read in one sitting, but then refer back to on numerous occasions.  I recommend this book as a foundational planning tool for how to best serve loved ones."

- Michael Allard, Director of Operations, Principal Senior Living Group 



To read more about this book and how it can help you, click here.  

To purchase this book, click here. 


 (Discount available for orders of 50 or 100 books.  If interested, email Dale at dale.carter@transitionagingparents.com)




 

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Note about Dale

Dale Carter is wife, mother of 3 grown children, and long-distance caregiver to her elderly mother.  She is a former educator and university IT consultant.  In the spring of 2008, a major life experience (helping her elderly mother through a major health/life crisis) changed the course of Dale's life work. 

Dale created "Transition Aging Parents" as a way to share her experience and reach out to other adult children of aging parents.  She provides insight and shares information to help adult daughters and sons ensure their aging parents "thrive and find joy" in every stage of life.  

Her goal is two-fold: to serve as a resource for adult children as they help their aging parents through the many transitions in aging AND to highlight this time in their journey together as one of joy, renewed bonds and reflection of lives well-lived.

 

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Dale Carter, founder of Transition Aging Parents, is dedicated to providing insight and information to adult children of aging parents so their parents may "thrive and find joy" in every stage of life. To get your F.R.E.E. 5-Part E-Course and receive her bi-weekly articles on resources, options, and new innovations for aging parents, visit http://www.transitionagingparents.com

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