Amplify's Parent Network

Teen Dating...It's a Whole New Ballgame

When we were teens just beginning to date, our parents knew what to expect.  And so did we.   They expected to set the age at which we could date, and it wasn't Jr. High.  Most of us depended on our parents 

to drive us places, and so they knew where wewere most of the time.  Even 7 years ago I, as a parent, knew when  my daughter had her first "suitor" because he had to call the house phone (no cell phones yet for my girls and most of their peers).   There was ONE home computer, and no IPhones, so I knew when she was up late online with this new guy in her life.  (Putting the internet on a timer solved THAT problem.)  There was no texting, but there were enough notes and letters left in sight that I had my finger on the pulse of the relationship.  The truth is, it was easier to be in the know then than it is now.

Today, parents are often very much in the dark when it comes to their teens' social lives, particularly their dating practices and even their dating partners.  When I quiz kids about how teens get to know each other before they begin to date, its not just from conversations at school, its through extensive texting and private cell phone conversations.  Since we are encouraging teens to get to know the person they are interested in before they actually date, I ask them if teens typically know each others' families, since one way to "know" someone is to know their family.  Their response is a clear "No."  I have begun to ask, "Do entire relationships begin and end with parents never knowing about it?" There is a nearly unanimous chorus "Yes" echoing through the classroom.  Not surprisingly, a parent recently told me that her daughter had been discovered to be in a physical relationship with a guy...a year before she was even allowed to date.  Finally, we used to think that it was girls who had to be warned about those pushy boys.  Now, it's the girls who are pushing the dating envelope by ever earlier overtures to boys who haven't been prepared to face pressures to date in 5th or 6th grade.

To be blunt, the rules of dating have changed, and we need to learn what the expectations are in our teens' world, and how to communicate our expectations as parents.  How?  Well, how about a series of ongoing conversations about dating?  I suggest brainstorming with your spouse or a good friend to come up with good questions to discuss with your son or daughter.

Here's a few to get started:   At what age do you think teens should date?  Should we (parents) get to meet someone you want to date?  When in a relationship should you group date, and when should you go out one-on-one?  What proportion of your dates should be with a group of friends compared to dates with just the two of you?  How do you know what your date's boundaries are?  Should you know?  What is the purpose of dating?  Do you have to date to have a good time?  What are your reasons to want to date?  What reasons do you see among your peers for wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend?  Do you think dating should be serious at your age? How do you keep a dating relationship from getting too serious?  When do you think a couple should say "I Love You"?  How would you define a healthy relationship?  An unhealthy relationship? 

 I can think of more...and I'll bet you can too.  So get talking Mom and Dad!