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Parent News, January
Sent Thursday, January 12, 2012
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January Newsletter 2012 | |||||||||||||||
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What Kind of Boyfriend or Girlfriend?
Casting a Vision for your Teen
Looking back, what makes the difference between a teen who chose well, and one who just slid into relationships, with sometimes traumatic outcomes? If we parents knew the magic formula, "If I do A then B will follow," wouldn't that be nice? Nevertheless, there are guideposts we can follow. Let's listen in on one teen who had a great high school experience, with "no regrets."
Last month, I invited my daughters (in their 20s) to come and watch a class, and to tell their own stories of how they had handled relationships. After the students had filed out, the teacher, who had young daughters, asked, "What did your parents say to help you make those choices?"
 She answered briefly and had some interesting things to say about the expectations we instilled in her for a relationship, and how she went on to learn some things on her own. I've decided to turn this newsletter over to Jessica to get her insight:"When I entered into my first relationship I quickly saw that the guy I was dating, although a "nice" boy, didn't meet my expectations and desires. Although I perhaps could have seen it before we started dating, the relationship taught me that I had been immature in wanting to date only for the sake of dating, rather than dating because the person was really the kind of guy I was looking for. After that I didn't even give guys the time of day who were not up to my expectations."
She continued, "The reality is that in junior high and high school you're insecure because you don't know who you are or what you want. As in anything it's the role of a parent to help you work through your identity, and help set goals for achieving what you want. It's like anything else you talk to your child about. For instance, if your child shows an interest in art, you will encourage them toward using their gifts, and recognize and applaud their movement in that direction; if they want to go to college, you will help them apply to good schools, but also find schools that will uniquely complement their particular talent and even personality. If you'll believe in your child, and verbalize worthy relationship goals then that will help them see that they deserve someone who respects and genuinely cares for them. That will then become a 'vision' or expectation that is second nature to them. They will know that they are WORTH being treated well, and won't settle for less."
My daughter, Jessica, was willing to wait on dating. She saw no point in dating for the sake of popularity, being wanted or any other reason her peers seemed to have.
All these things can be verbalized to your teen. As I've emphasized before in this space, questions are great at drawing a teen into a conversation where he draws his own conclusions. Why not start a dialog with questions such as: "What do you think dating is FOR?" "How do you think you should be treated by a guy/girl?" "What do you want out of a relationship?"
Happy Parenting,
Tori Libby
P.S. Here is a link to two articles (I've shared these links before) on how parents can help teens makes good decisions: this one is for parents with a faith background, and here's one that is secularly oriented.
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