Bipolar: Supporting with Unconditional Love
Published: Tue, 09/02/14
Hi,
How's it going?
I hope it's going good.
You know, there are two kinds of love:
Conditional love and unconditional love.
I want to use two case histories to illustrate
my point today (but not their real names).
See if you can spot the differences.
John and Mary are married, and Mary has bipolar
disorder. Whenever Mary "behaves," (as John calls
it), in other words, when Mary is not in a bipolar
episode or has no bipolar symptoms or behavior,
John treats her well.
He does things with her, he takes her out to dinner,
they do things with friends and family, he buys her
presents, he talks nice to her, etc.
But when Mary is in an episode, or shows bipolar
symptoms or behavior, John doesn't treat her well
at all. Like when Mary is depressed, John tells her
to "snap out of it," or says, "You could be happy if
you really wanted to be."
If Mary goes manic and spends too much money,
John screams and yells at her for doing so, and even
Sometimes calls her names. No more presents, no
more dinners, no more time with friends and family,
no more comfortable alone time, either.
There is tension between them all the time, and they
fight all the time, usually about trivial things.
Then when Mary is better again, John goes back to
treating her nice again.
Because of this, Mary cannot seem to stay stable
with her bipolar disorder.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Jill and George are married, too, and George has
bipolar disorder. To Jill, it doesn't matter if George
is in a bipolar episode or showing symptoms or behavior
of his bipolar or not, she treats him the same.
She is supportive, kind, and loving. She listens to him
when he wants to talk, or simply sits with him when he
doesn't want to talk but just wants company.
Jill and George do everything together. When George
is not in an episode or showing bipolar symptoms or
behavior, they go for long walks in the park, they
visit friends and family, they go out to dinner, they
play board games or cards, they go to the movies, and
just enjoy each other's company.
When George is in an episode or showing symptoms
or bipolar behavior, Jill is still by his side - she doesn't
change the way she treats him at all, even though
they can't do all the things they would normally be
able to do. She rides out the storm with him, whatever
that takes.
Because of this, George is pretty stable with his bipolar
disorder.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Could you spot the differences?
Very simply...
In the first case, with John and Mary, John's
treatment of Mary depends on whether she is well
or sick.
His love is conditional upon her behavior -
If she is not in a bipolar episode or showing any
bipolar behavior, he treats her well, even buys her
presents.
However, if she is in an episode or is showing bipolar
behavior, he withdraws that unconditional love and treats
her poorly.
His love is conditional upon her behavior.
On the other hand, we have Jill and George.
Jill's love for George is unconditional.
She treats him the same whether he is in a bipolar
episode or showing signs of bipolar behavior or not.
She acts the same way either way, and treats him the
same way either way.
That's unconditional love.
I had one supporter who told me this:
"I love my wife. I hate her bipolar disorder. These are
two different things."
That can make it easier to separate your loved one
from their disorder, and to have unconditional love for
them, which is why I talk about it in my courses/
systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Whether your loved one is symptomatic or not,
they need your unconditional love.
You need to be able to separate them from their
disorder in order to be able to do this.
Remember what that one supporter said, how he
loves his wife but hates her disorder and how these
are two different things.
That might help you.
What do you think?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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