Bipolar: Dealing with Bipolar Anger
Published: Mon, 08/04/14
Hi ,
What's happening today?
How are you doing?
I hope you're doing great today.
I remember when I was dealing with my
mom's big episode, one of the worst things
I faced was her anger.
I know, too, from the many emails and
letters I get from bipolar supporters, that
anger is a common issue that many other
supporters face as well.
When people with bipolar disorder go into
a bipolar episode, they can sometimes
feel very angry.
They can get angry that they are depressed
or manic.
They can get angry that things aren't fair, or that
they feel that life itself isn't fair (or at least feel
that it hasn't been fair to them).
They can be angry that maybe they had to lose
their job because of their bipolar disorder.
They can be angry that their family is treating
them differently.
They can be angry because they feel society (their
community) is treating them differently.
They can be angry because of the diagnosis of
bipolar disorder itself.
They can be angry because they feel differently.
Mostly, they are probably angry because they feel
like they are not in control.
They probably feel like the bipolar disorder is in
control of them.
Although this is a common feeling for people with
bipolar disorder to have, it still doesn't excuse
the fact that they are probably taking their angry
feelings out on you.
I talk about this in my courses/systems below:
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So how do you deal with your loved one's anger?
One way is to validate their emotional state and
feelings.
Now, I'm not saying that you have to agree with
everything they think and feel, nor with how they're
acting.
But validating their emotional state and feelings
means that you can say something like, "I can see
how you might feel that way."
This makes your loved one feel as if you are at least
listening to what they have to say, even if you don't
agree with them, and you are acknowledging their
right to feel the way they do.
This is important to them.
Another thing you can do when your loved one is
angry is to ask how you can help.
Notice I didn't say to ask IF you can help, because
then all you're going to get is a yes or no answer,
and that's not really going to help you.
But by asking HOW you can help, you will get a
clearer direction in exactly what your loved one is
looking for from you.
One thing you DON'T want to do is to fight back
with explanations.
This just puts you on the defensive, and only
prolongs the fight.
Explanations are a force of habit. We really do
believe that if we can just explain ourselves, our
loved one will see that they have no reason to be
angry.
That's assuming that when your loved one is in
the throes of bipolar anger that they are totally
rational, but that's not usually the case.
In fact, it's usually the opposite, so you need to
treat them as such.
Definitely do NOT patronize them, though, as
they will resent that and just get more angry at
you.
But if you try to explain yourself, your loved one
will see that as a way to prove them wrong, belittle
their beliefs, or avoid blame, so you don't want to
do that, either.
It's best just to avoid giving explanations for your
behavior, opinions, beliefs, feelings, etc., especially
when they are contrary to your loved one's.
If you really feel as though you need to make your
point, save it for a time when your loved one is
more calm and rational and is not experiencing
bipolar anger.
Having your loved one angry at you is not a pleasant
experience, but knowing how to deal with it can
certainly help.
Try using these techniques the next time your
loved one is experiencing bipolar anger.
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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