A few years ago I wrote a column about dealing with a critic, bully or control freak. It is the article that gets the most web hits of any article I've ever written.
I could ask the rhetorical question "Why?" although the answer is clear. People are being bullied now more than ever especially with the advent of the internet. People are being bullied and criticized publicly and they're not even sure who some of these people are.
Kids are really being hit and at all ages. Adults are being bullied by staff, superiors and by their spouses. Human beings are protective beings and when fear kicks in we'll either fight or run. Most run and hide away and then the bullying escalates because the bully knows he or she can get the response they crave.
First is to be clear about the characteristics of a bully so you can be prepared and do something about it.
1. Bullies are inconsistent with their behaviour. They can be sugar sweet to one person who they want to impress and down right mean to someone who they consider beneath them or of no use to them other than to 'serve'.
2. They want to own you. They're posessive of your time and attention and love to make you feel guitly when your entire focus is not on them. They're martyrs and 'give you permission' to see other people but will make you feel as guilty as they can if you do. Or if you leave work on time you'll get a lot of "That's OK. I'll stay late. You go right ahead and don't worry about me", Then you're toast and won't hear the end of it. More than that, they'll find a way to make you pay for it.
3. They have something to hide. They want to know everything about you, where you're going, what you're doing and all the rest but are very secretive about their worlds. Most of the time they're hiding something they're ashamed about.
4. They're always angry...angry about their boss, spouse, sibling, parent. They share it and often.
5. They take what you say and use it against you, twisting your words to create a different meaning. Then you're so focused on explaining and clarifying that they've got you. You think there's a misunderstanding and they love the confusion.
6. It's your fault. Always your fault even when it isn't. They blame you for a missed opportunity, for lack of attention, for the fact the dog ate something he shouldn't have, for the misery you're living.
7. Nothing you do is good enough. They're perfect or at the very least a perfectionist. No one can ever live up to their expectations. Because they're a perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough you certainly can't be doing great work as that would make you better than they are...at least in their perspective. So you become a target...you're picked on...consistently. They're going to take you down a rung or two. And they're going to pick on your most apparent weaknesses whether skills related, emotionally...whatever they can identify they're going to pick on and often. They're going to do this to the nth degree.
8. They don't have to live by the same rules as you do. If you challenge them they'll attack. Most of the time their victims will run for cover.
Thing is, if you challenge them again but this time have an audience or allies, they will be disempowered and their bullying house of cards will all come toppling down. Oh there are many more signals but you get the drift. Go with your gut. If something is telling you to give this person a wide berth then you know you're dealing with a bully or a potential bully.
If you know a child or teen dealing with this, help them get a support system together and now, not later. They should walk in pairs at the very least. Threes or fours even better. They should tell someone in a position of leadership at school, their teacher, guidance counsellor and their parents. Tell a cop. Anyone and everyone they can in a position of authority.Tell them to tell as many people as they can so the bully is in the spotlight not the victim. Running feeds the beast.
If you're being bullied in the workplace, speak to staff relations. Leadership. Anyone you can who will support you and not try to sweep this under the rug. If you're in an organization that doesn't support staff in situations like this, LEAVE. Find another job and do an exit interview. An honest one.
If you're in a relationship with a bully and want to stay in the relationship for whatever reason, get help with that person. Without that person. At the very least you'll have a supportive professional who will help you get your head back on straight as bullies will make you question your name not to mention everything you say and do. The question on the table is, is it worth being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you? What does that say about how you respect yourself?
According to a U.S. 2004 poll of children, 86% of more than 1,200 9- to 13-year-old boys and girls polled said they've seen someone else being bullied, 48% said they've been bullied, and 42% admitted to bullying other kids at least once in a while.
This is serious. In the US, every day an estimated 160,000 kids nationwide stay home from school because they are afraid of being bullied.
In addition, researchers at the Yale School of Medicine, in a new review of studies from 13 countries, have found signs of an apparent connection between bullying, being bullied and suicide. Almost all found connections between being bullied and suicidal thoughts among children. Five reported that bullying victims were two to nine times more likely to report suicidal thoughts than were other children.
The reason why I'm writing this is there's a need to be reminded that there is nothing acceptable about bullying or doing nothing when someone comes to you for help. High level executives come to me to help them deal with bullying. They're sharing stories of their kids being bullied and beaten up and they don't know how to handle it. If you turn to me and say "I don't know anyone personally who is being bullied" I can tell you that you're making an assumption because many adults feel ashamed to admit they allow someone to bully them "and at their age". So watch carefully. If you see telltale signs of change in a friend's, colleague's or family member's disposition, talk to them and support them in getting help.
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