The theme for this issue is TRANSITIONS and as I walked in
the park today I realized that the month of March is an example of the process of
change that I'm discussing below.
Here in the
northeast this year I see a brown landscape, a lot of damaged trees and soggy
muddy paths and ball fields.It is
a sad, harsh time in between the beautiful pristine fields of fresh fallen snow
last month, and the slow emergence of new colorful plants and trees, baby animals
and berries in the next month.
A life transition is the process of moving from a happy
comfortable place through the reality and pain of some sort of change to a
refreshed life full of new opportunity.These are the seasons of our lives - there is an ebb and flow that is natural.
CHANGE AND TRANSITION
Lots of people around
me are experiencing life changes.New
babies, new homes, new jobs, one relationship break-up, and a mid-life crisis are
taking their toll on close family members, a few friends and a couple of
clients.
Coincidentally a colleague recommended a excellent book on the subject by
William Bridges so the topic for this month's newsletter was a
no-brainer. (Book info below)
There is a difference between the changes in our lives and
the process of transition. The changes are the wedding or the divorce, the new
baby, the new job or the loss of an old one, or the move to a new place.
A transition is the process that gets set into motion when
any of the above occur. Change is situational; transition is
psychological.
Change happens
outside the person, transition happens within.
During the
worst year of my life I experienced the death of my husband's father and my own
mother; finished a Master's degree and had to defend my thesis; endured my husband's
mid-life crisis that left me with two children to raise alone; found a new job
doing something I'd never done before; and moved to a new town where I knew no
one.
About a month after I started the job, there was a
departmental "retreat" that included a session with a stress counselor.He gave us the standard test and when
my score approached the 400 mark he marveled that I was sitting upright at the
table much less appearing to be sane!
Although I am a resilient person, I realize now that I was
in shock and moving from one day to the next without allowing myself to think
too much.I did what I had to
do.You've probably been there at
some time or other.
Bridges describes what I was doing as "recharging" and
"repairing" believing that I could just fix the situation or supply the missing
pieces. But that approach isn't always effective since it ignores the
underlying psychological effects of the changes.
The loss of a job means the loss of titles and labels;
a new
baby mean a loss of freedom and independence and the gain of profound
responsibility;
the death of a spouse or breakup of a relationship means a loss
of companionship and security as well as a close confidant;
a mid-life crisis
means a loss of direction and meaning.
In almost all
cases, transition fundamentally changes our understanding of ourselves and not
always in a positive way.
Recognizing the effects of the change on your role in life,
your sense of who you are, and your relationship to the world around you is
crucial to your ability to move forward is a positive way.
Bridges defines a transition as having three parts:
·An Ending
·A Neutral Zone
·A New Beginning
Too often we find ourselves in a new beginning before we
have gone through the ending of the previous state and a neutral time to assess
and reflect.
This is why many
people continue to take jobs they dislike, continue to form relationships with
the wrong type of person or find themselves not moving forward year after year.
The transition process has to start with an ending."To become something else, you have to
stop being what you are now; to start doing things a new way, you have to end the
way you are doing them now; and to develop a new attitude or outlook, you have
to let go of the old one you have now.Even though it sounds backwards, endings always come first.The first task is to let go."(p. 80)
Take some time to reflect on your own situation.Processing an ending "requires letting
go of something you have believed or assumed, some way you've always behaved,
some outlook on the world or an attitude toward others.
The neutral zone is a time to consider what really
matters.What's most important to
you?This may occur first as in a
mid-life career crisis when you realize that you want to work at something you
care about more passionately.
It may be conscious or unconscious.The desire to make a change might sneak
around in the back of your mind for years or be abruptly caused by a particular
event.
Only when you have made peace with the past and taken time
to assess the future can you move on to a new beginning that is purposeful and
meaningful.And even though that
future might look and feel scary, it can be faced with courage and
determination.
BOOK REVIEW
The book is Transitions - Making Sense of Life's Changes (2nd
ed.) by William Bridges.Another
coach mentioned it recently so right before a train ride to New York I checked
it out of the library. I settled in my seat and started to read.Almost immediately a particular
sentence grabbed me, so I pulled out my highlighter and started making green
streaks on the page!
I've ordered
them a new copy and will apologize. ( LOL )
Suffice it to say, I like this book very much!It is not a quick or easy read because
the subject is not easy.We all
move through a variety of transitions over the course of our lives and while we
sometimes manage to sail through, sooner or later almost everyone feels like
they've hit a brick wall.It's
important to know how to deal with that.Bridges says, "Without a transition, change is just rearranging the
furniture."
The process of ending is the most important and I understand
that now.After that year from
hell, I jumped headlong into a second marriage that became a disaster. I had
not taken the time to go through an ending. After reading this book, I realize that I never unpacked the
suitcase from my original dream of happily ever after; never considered what
taking care of myself alone might look like; assumed that there was only one
way to live and that meant kids had to have a dad around.
Bridges uses the ancient stories of Oedipus, Odysseus and
Amor and Psyche to illustrate the common human experiences that never
change.This book is
thought provoking, instructive and inspirational.
I think that understanding the whole concept of change and
transition is possibly the most valuable lesson we can learn about living
successfully.He doesn't provide
checklists or 10 easy steps.He
does provide discussion and questions that offer an insightful understanding of our thought processes.
>
If you've read a book you'd like to recommend, or have one you think I should review for your fellow readers, please let me know.
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Remember that my recommended books are available through the BOOKS page on my web-site from Amazon. You get the same free shipping deals and I get a small commission for sorting them all out for you. The titles are divided into several categories - be sure to check all the pages. Thanks!
To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is
to go on creating oneself endlessly.Henri Bergson
One must never lose time in vainly regretting the past or in
complaining against the changes which cause us discomfort, for change is the
essence of life.Anatole France
Since we live in a changing universe, why do men oppose
change?...If a rock is in the way,
the root of a tree will change its direction.The dumbest animals try to adapt themselves to changed
conditions.Even a rat will change
its tactics to get a piece of cheese.Melvin B Tolson
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so
as to have the life that is waiting for us.Joseph Campbell
When you are through changing, you're through.Bruce Barton
My e-mail box is always open if you'd just like to chat..
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