Once there was a bridge whose structural integrity was in question. There were conflicting opinions about how to rebuild it. Some consultants thought it should be condemned immediately. Others believed it could last under the current conditions for awhile longer. The traffic across it was relentless, and closing it for the duration of a reconstruction project would create serious problems for many thousands of commuters.

 

Then an avant garde architect came up with the idea to support the existing bridge with trusses, and gradually replace individual girders and cables with better materials. The committee thought it would work.

 

Heavy equipment arrived with new beams to support the weight of the vehicles, and to relieve some of the pressure on the compromised bridge. The process was slow, but it did allow traffic to continue as before. People felt good about work being done on the bridge. It had historic value for many of them, and they had been concerned when there was talk of demolition. Sometimes they did stop traffic for a few hours at night, and with the help of high powered lights could speed up the progress.

 

There was substantial cost involved, and of course time. Yet the project worked. After half a year of structural fortification, the effort turned toward targeting cracked beams and replacing them. When the bridge was completely restored after four years, there was a ceremony to celebrate. Everyone called it a success.

Marriages sometimes feel like that bridge. There are signs of stress under constant use and little effort at maintenance. It may feel irreparable. Perhaps the first impulse is to rip out the broken parts, to ferret out the weaknesses like communication and resentment. Yet there is another way.

Recently I suggested to a wife who was feeling hopeless, that she put the problems aside for awhile. I asked her what they used to do together that was enjoyable. She reached for the memories, and with some effort described going out for spontaneous lunches, walks on the beach and making music together. She sounded as if those memories were pretty dusty.

I invited her to try those things anew. She was reticent, reminding me that there were pressing issues that needed attention. I assured her that there was time for them too.

After a surprisingly short time, she called me and said that things were already shifting. It was much easier to feel good about being with her husband when they were talking about pleasant things, rather than always making a beeline for problems. Some of the difficulties in fact, simply expired.

A week or two later I called to remind her that she could start to pull apart some of the troubles that had threatened the life of her marriage and look at them. There are better materials for conflict resolution than yelling, better ways of expressing concern than nagging. But I got her voice mail instead.

She and her husband had gone to a bed and breakfast and would get back to me later.

Photo by Andy Sullivan

www.caringformarriage.org