Marriage Moats-Aikido

Published: Tue, 04/09/13

Marriage Moats

Caring for Marriage

I read an article about aikido. It describes the practice of harnessing conflict. Rather than trying to block its path, the student swivels a threatening force in another direction.

"LeBar--now a fourth-degree black belt--loves training with the Japanese jo, or wooden staff. One of his favorite aikido techniques demonstrates how to respond when an attacker tries to grab the weapon. Beginning students have a strong urge to tighten their grip, he says--a futile move, since that just makes it easier for an attacker to wrest the jo out of their hands. Instead, the secret is to hold the staff lightly and let your opponent hang on. A few quick steps and a turn of your body will send him sprawling."

I can remember times I have tightened my grip on what I wanted John to do. Take out the trash. Change the light bulbs. Be ready when I plan to leave. The intensity of my desire made me more vulnerable to losing. But if I stepped back from Expectation to a muted version of hope, I was less enslaved by what I demanded. If he did what I asked, it was a blessing. If he didn't I could live with that too. I can still feel the constriction through my body as I waited. But no, waiting is too passive a word. I was intending him to walk through the door with all the strength in me. Yet it was a waste of energy that could have been spent enjoying the sounds of spring or composing kind conversation starters.

Photo by Joy Feerrar

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