The phrase Unconditional Love has been around for awhile. Some people hold it as the true litmus test of a relationship.

"You say you love me, but do you love me no matter what??"

The dyads that show up in the wedding ceremony talk about commitment in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. We understand, at least in theory, that while love is easier to grant when things are going well, it is the fuel during hard times that sustains us until better days return. 

Perhaps women are especially drawn to the idea of unconditional love. They want the reassurance that they will be cherished, even when they behave in less than endearing ways. Because words are often a first language for women, they expect that men are equally facile with flowery expressions of devotion. But for many men, words are more clumsy, like a cattle rancher using chopsticks for the first time. 

We were married for three decades before John finally admitted to me that he is uncomfortable with the question, "How are you?" He would much rather answer a question like "Can you fix the computer?" which has an action. A beginning and a completion. Those open ended queries like "How do you feel?" are too nebulous, and with women can go on forever like a train crossing when you are in a hurry. 

Women are allowed to ask for, and even demand unconditional love. No one labels them as bossy. 

But men too, want devotion that doesn't quit. For many of them, the package that resonates is respect. The book Love and Respect describes a study in which men are asked the impossible question, "Which would you rather, feeling that no one loves you but you are respected or that you are loved but no one respects you?"

Eighty five percent of men said they would rather be without love than respect. For a majority of women, that makes no sense. That is the wrong answer. But only on a woman's terms. 

Men have a hard time articulating what their feelings are, which gets in the way of asking for what they need. Yet given a choice like love vs respect, it is less confusing. Men crave unconditional respect. 

But even if they can get over the hurdle of pinpointing what they want, in words that women understand, society is not so accepting of that request. The same women who unequivocally say they need unconditional love in order to survive, not as a reward for having earned it, may as quickly say that men must earn respect. 

I wonder what will happen when we learn to give it freely.