Primal Healing and Art

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it." 

 

Self-Forgiveness  

        We are taught, through religious, spiritual and psychological teachings, to forgive. However, forgiveness is an individual process that can take many different forms and attitudes. 

        In working with many who have come from abuse and trauma - including my own journey of healing - I've come to find that the person that needs the most forgiveness is ourselves. Victims of abuse most often blame themselves for why the abuse has occurred. Their ruminating thoughts are: 'I should have known better; there's something wrong with me; I could have stopped it; it's my fault; I am unlovable. God will punish me and I need to save others and forgive everyone.' The results of these beliefs are perfectionism, compulsions, negative thinking, depression, anxiety, addiction, mental illness and possibly chronic illness. 

         Trying to forgive others before you can forgive the inner child only hurts and damages the victim more deeply. Unrealistic actions in regards to forgiveness repeat the cycle of self-abuse. We damage our self-worth, our deservingness, our ability to have compassion for ourselves, to open our hearts, to trust, to have loving-kindness and acceptance of the child's powerlessness at the time. 

         When the focus is on self-forgiveness we learn to nurture and mother ourselves, do productive work to help others, be creative, learn to trust and accept, and open our hearts to allow for loving relationships. Forgiving the abuser is up to God, not the victim. The victim didn't cause the abuser's behavior. The victim needs to transform themselves. Grow into choices that fill the voids and wounds of being abused and to release the pain so their spirit can receive a life worthy of their innocence.

          Being a victim has taken on a dirty meaning in our culture. It is only when we keep blaming ourselves that we stay in victim behaviors of self-pity and hate. In truth, it is important to love our victim and allow for the victim to grow and heal through their own intuitions, instincts and abilities to claim back their lives from the tragedy and trauma.

          Victim and victimizer (both most likely have been abused) need to take responsibility for their own healing and self-forgiveness. 

          Self-forgiveness is innocence restored. Wholeness and meaning are the resolutions that bring peace in the recovery process.

 

• When was the last time you allowed yourself to rest and play?
• Do you eat well, make time for creative work, do moderate exercise, have a practice of stillness or meditation?
• Can you sit with yourself and enjoy your own company?
• Do you say, "Get over it already"?
• Are you afraid to feel sad or angry because you believe it will be an endless pit? Or that those feelings are wrong?
• Do you believe you need to get everything right or perfect? That there is no room for mistakes?
• Do you cover up being exhausted, and push and push yourself?
• Do you think your feelings are wrong?
• Are you afraid to ask for help?
• Are you scattered, looking for the most perfect answer to every conflict?
• Are you uncomfortable when you are not in control?
• Do you judge your limitations?
• Do you pretend to be "superwoman" or "superman" and that you can do it all?
• Do you tell others, "everything is great!"?
• Do you judge your needs?
• Are you afraid to walk into a room full of people you don't know?
• Can you be present - fully receive your reality in the moment? 

         Choose one or two of the above questions and explore your innermost self. Having an internal life is where self-awareness, healing and self-forgiveness begins.

         For a moment, give yourself permission to feel the feeling you are the most afraid to feel, or the feeling that causes you the most pain and need to control. Allow that feeling to have its expression. Write a poem, a narrative, a spontaneous sentence. Paint feelings using different colors, shapes and images to represent them. It doesn't have to make sense. Or as Satya did, write a letter to your child, to your abuser, to God. CLICK HERE TO READ SATYA STARR'S 'LETTER TO MY RAPIST' ON THE GHAV BLOG

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