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PHA Newsletter: Intimacy and Core Wounds
Sent Tuesday, January 3, 2012
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By: Marta Luzim, M.S.
mluzim@martaluzim.com
www.martaluzim.com
Primal Living
Primal Living - A Lighthouse of wisdom that shines through the dark.
It is Exciting to Free Yourself. It Takes Courage to Be Yourself.
In This Newsletter:
1. Video: Love, Intimacy and Relationships
3. Core Wounds and Intimacy
4. Poem: Commitment, Promise and Roses by Lara Luzim
5. Books: Love and Awakening by John Welwood
Watch: Love, Intimacy and Relationships
Unlike the kind of partnership and dependency that many of us seek to complement our lives, the love and romance addict searches for someone outside of themselves to provide the emotional stability they lack within. Working to escape their own emptiness, they may find troubled or emotionally challenged partners to focus on, thereby giving away to others what they most want for themselves.
"I didn't know marriage would be so hard." -- A client
Core Wounds and Intimacy
To enter into a long-term, intimate relationship at first seems alive, safe and grounded. However, as each person grows and deepens, communications between couples starts to be more challenging, filled with conflict. What happens? As a child, you witness and absorb your parents' relationship, experienced the way the family expressed feelings and beliefs, which informed your beliefs about intimacy. A client told me that her husband believed they didn't have to work on their marriage. That they could just glide through, let conflict pass. You don't have to discuss, change or grow. It just is what it is. However, to do nothing, to not make choices, to not communicate, leads to numb, dead and empty relationships. Look around you. Read the statistics. One out of three couples are divorced.
Romantic love, true love and happy endings come as the last part of the journey of a long-term relationship. Or, it comes after many trials and tribulations of learning the wisdom of life. We come into relationships with different DNA, genes, family of origin patterns, wounds, beliefs, values and attitudes than our partners. At first we say, this person will make my life whole, fill up the voids. It takes two years until all the shadow parts: the deeper feeling/beliefs of core wounds, the unresolved memories of childhood surface. These behaviors and emotions start to show up in the relationship through unconscious patterns and defenses that stop love from growing. Your husband becomes your father. Your wife becomes your mother. Emotionally, you act out the childhood wounds that never got met. We are blinded, in denial of who we marry or commit to. We see fantasies, delusions and stories of true love that fail us in adulthood.
I believe we are brought into our relationships through destiny. We are attracted to another at first for various physical characteristics and values. Mostly, we are unaware of what hides beneath the surface. Your conscious mind plays out the "idea" of love and relationship, but it is your subconscious learned beliefs that eventually begins to control the relationship dynamic. You are shocked when you realize that your mate is an addict, or cold, or distant, or unforgiving, or withholding, or needy, or overbearing, or, or, or... The signs, the doubts and the fears you push away about the other, all that feels uneasy, unmentionable and uncomfortable, you ignore. You believe that all of what worries you about your significant other will change, disappear or vanish once you are bound in marriage. Yes, at first, you do see the heart and soul of the person. The goodness of who this person really is.
But, you are here to work through the human dilemma each person holds. You are the mirror of whatever strengths and weaknesses your partner brings to the relationship. Intimate relationship is a journey. It is a spiritual path to awaken all that is hidden and uncomfortable. It forces us to break out of the box, open our hearts deeply, heal and grow. The triggers that your partner will set off in you takes knowledge of intimate communication in order for the relationship to thrive; the language of expressing feelings, needs and wants.
To understand what it takes to grow, change and keep sparks alive in a marriage or committed relationship starts at understanding core wounds.
Core Wounds - The Center
A core wound begins in childhood. It is whatever hurt, neglected, abandoned, or abusive behavior that has caused any type of damage to the self-esteem. We all carry core wounds. Once a core wound is triggered, the original place, memory, event, or series of events is ignited. A mate can have a certain tone of voice, or body language, values about money, and time spent together lessens -- sexuality and affection wane. All at once you feel you are trapped, feel emotionally repressed or numb. It is a domino effect, everything inside of you that has been wounded and untended rises, and what was in denial comes to light. This other no longer appears to be the answer to your dreams. That is when the true work of true love begins in a long-term relationship. When each person has to face the realities of the others woundedness, needs and feelings. Judgment, blame and resentments build. This is the time to find the deeper, more important aspect of commitment; to discover the healing of core wounds and family of origin patterns. To become allies on a healing/spiritual journey of true love.
Core Wound: There are layers of trauma, memories and experiences that form a core wound. There are feelings, thoughts, behaviors and patterns that defend and protect the core wound because it is too painful and too big for the child to feel. The child, when first wounded, cannot hold the amount of emotional pain, so the child finds coping skills, behaviors and defenses to numb out these wounded emotions. Usually the child will act out what they learned from the family patterning; some families withhold, others rage, others manipulate, others blame, others care-take, others are superior and control, the patterns are endless. Unless the original feeling, belief, experience and memory is released, the core wound forms into unconscious, defended and destructive beliefs, actions and feelings.
Core wounds are deep, cellular emotional scars and experiences that have shaped beliefs and feelings that develop into patterning. It is layered to get to a core wound (memory/experience), to emotionally, energetically, psychologically and physically release it. To change negative thoughts and feelings about oneself, a person has to be willing to go back and retrieve the original self, the authentic self from before the trauma happened. It takes vigilance and determination to uncover core wounds. It is not a comfortable process. That is because it took many years, energy and protection to survive the core wound.
Wounded Core Beliefs:
I am not lovable. I am unworthwhile, I don't deserve. I am bad, I am wrong, everyone hates me, I'll never get what I want, I'm stupid. I have to be good to be loved. Those are core beliefs. These beliefs are sometimes conscious, sometimes not. Tara Brach, PHD calls it "the trance of unworthiness." At times you can be aware of a core wound and where it started, and still not be able to change it. Awareness doesn't necessarily change beliefs. This is where the risk comes in. Releasing the core wound, you have dig into the fascia muscle, the cellular energy of your family pattern and learn to feel, express and receive. You have to tell the truth. This takes courage and the willingness to receive and take responsibility for the consequences of your expression. Core wounds are specific to each individual, to personal history -- about money, relationships, creative potential, intelligence and body image -- based on the specific beliefs families teach their children, directly or indirectly by what they say, how they treat you, how they mirror back to you: validate or invalidate you.
Wounded Unexpressed Emotions: The feelings that go along with core wounds; self-hatred, grief, rage, hurt, fear, terror. These are the feelings that are mostly kept numb, so the person doesn't feel the negative belief or feel the memory or experience that traumatized them. The child cannot hold these feelings or express them; they freeze, take flight or attack and go numb in order to survive. Covering up the wound begins...
Wounded Behaviors: Then there are the behaviors; control, power, manipulation, isolation, reaction, defense, paranoia, blame, lack of follow through, hyper-vigilance, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, collapse, attack, talks fast, doesn't talk, habits, idiosyncrasies, denial, delusion, lying. Behaviors that reject or cling, exaggeration to either end. An Either/Or type of thinking and behavior. Lack of vulnerability, forgiveness and acceptance. Judgment controls each thought and feeling.
Wounded Family Patterns: Then there are patterns; victim/victimizer, special/worthless, withholder, addict, martyr, people pleaser, savior, abuser, seducer. These are mostly unconscious behaviors and need to be made conscious. These patterns are known as co-dependent. Most do not see these behaviors in themselves. They see it in others but are blinded to their own participation and action of them. These are deep patterns of defense. They are energetic, long-term and generational. They need to be changed, layer by layer, one step at a time, with each situation, relationship and event that occurs.
Memories, for instance: your memory of the beating, verbal criticism, emotional judgments, all the abusive rejection, the particulars of how you feel hurt and were abandoned are unique to you. These memories have feelings and beliefs that shape your self-esteem and image. Each one builds the core wound. Solidifies it every time, triggers it when something similar reminds you of that experience or memory, then you react. There is a saying, "When bitten by a snake, you are afraid of a rope." That is how a core wounded memory works. You might not even know why you are afraid of a rope until you unfreeze the original memory of being bitten by the snake. Of course, as I said, there are layers to this for each person. It is not just one event, and at the same time one awakened, feeling body memory can open up many; a domino effect. That is why it is important to take it one step at a time. The pain of the original abuse or wound can be overwhelming. The knowledge, the feeling, the actuality that one has been abused, can be known in the mind, but once it hits the body it can be very explosive and shocking. Compassion, patience and opening up to oneself takes a lot of energy. At the same time, repressing all of these wounds takes a lot of energy, which can cause exhaustion, physical symptoms, depression, anxiety, addiction etc. Go to www.giveheravoice.org to learn more about the trauma of woundedness and abuse.
For the most part, these complex behaviors and feelings are created to protect, defend and keep the wounded child safe. It is how she/he learned to cope, survive and stay numb to the trauma. Most of it is unconscious. The person doesn't even know they are feeling or acting in any way that is destructive. They might know they are unhappy and not getting what they want, and know they have been abused, but they can't identify, locate or feel any of the above. The process is to bring into the conscious what is unconscious. It takes courage and risk.
In intimate relationship, you are bringing all of this to the table. Unless you are willing to go on this healing journey together, with your partner as an ally and guru that helps you see yourself through all the veils of defense in a subtle way, the relationship will stay frozen and go dead. Intimacy is a constant awakening. It is for those who have the courage to be uncomfortable, vulnerable and find the strength to open their hearts to everything that is painful, and joyful.
In order to truly love deeply you need to feel your broken heart. This heart softens, awakens and allows the most fiery, intense and passionate emotions to exist within the relationship. Intimacy is messy, exciting and scary. It is the most thrilling ride in life.
Commitment, Promise and Roses - by Lara Luzim
I stand here again renewing my vows, reciting the words --- commitment and promise. Asking G-d for this extra chance to get it right. This time I won't take it for granted. This time the lines and boundaries won't feel so hard. My scars faded from the humble process of time. The empty floor is calling me. Full of possibility. Space so boundless and open. Feeling the air that rushes through my fingertips and around my torso as they slowly find their new shape and expression. Bare feet sticking to the floor. Sweat glistening through my pores. Mirror reflecting back beauty, imperfection, desire from deep within. Allowing something bigger ... more magical than just myself to take hold.
I want to marry my playground crush. High school sweetheart, college romance. Commanding me to follow in time to the music on the stereo; boombox, mixtape, saying, "I wanna rock right now." And "You must be my lucky star, Cause girls just wanna have fun and dance with somebody. Feel the heat with somebody." Falling in love with every single little step, movement, gesture like it was the first time. The excitement of anticipating the next count. The next song in rotation spinning me right round and round like a record baby.
5,6,7,8 I replay the missed entrance and countless bows. The hours and hours I spent feeling my back straighten and my toes like knives, pointing so hard they could cut through glass. I open my eyes and they are sparkling, waiting for that unmistakable applause in gratitude of leaving nothing less than your own blood for the audience to drink. I wanna work for it, fight for it. Grande reverence for it. Until I'm out of breath, and repeat, repeat, repeat again --- Until I get back to 1.
I want to get back to one. To the oneness of knowing my heart beats in the right place. Pumping determination through my veins, knowing no one else will give me this chance to dance like never before. My first love beckons and whispers, follow me...trust me...allow me this last opportunity to twirl you...turn you...dip you...and lift you up...higher than ever before...
I've spent too many days frozen. Too many nights wondering. Will I ever find my way back to the bright lights and rose petals? I've made these memories, the trails I've left behind, so that I can remember my way back. When I didn't care who was watching and I didn't know how to be perfect. I feel the tears of frustration rolling down my face, no longer disguising my pain. For all the time I waited for someone else to ask, someone else to lead, someone else to fill this body with a beat that only my rhythm could see. Step by step, I am walking down the aisle with a smile that says, I will not accept defeat.
Please. Give me this gift. This state of grace that marries my wildest fantasies and my hardest realities. I will not be sorry anymore. I am what I do and Ido what I am; interchangeable. Without you, I am not whole, without you I lose control, without you, I dismiss my soul calling me.
Calling me back --- back to the dance floor.
Recommended Resources
Click the book titles for Amazon links:
Love and Awakening by John Welwood
The Truth Will Set You Free by Alice Miller
Send in your writings to be posted (with or without
your name) on the Give Her A Voice blog or newsletter to primalhealing@aol.com.
Please feel free to drop me a line and let me know your thoughts, comments or
questions.
Warmly,
Marta
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