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Mom-Stuff Tip of the Week Newsletter 
 06/14/10

Tip if the Week
Four things you  can't recover:
The stone........after the throw.           
The word.........after it's said.
The occasion........after it's missed.      
The time.........after it's gone. 

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Just For Fun 
Building Self Esteem Through What We Don't Say

by Tara Wood 


There is a lot of research out there about body language and how
the majority of what we communicate is through our nonverbals. In
fact, one study at UCLA found that up to 93% of what we say is not
through words. Our tone, our gestures and our facial expressions
play a much larger role in what we communicate than the words that
come out of our mouth. Try it. Watch TV with the volume off and see
if you can piece together what's happening in the scene.
Interesting, huh?
Several years ago, I saw a segment on Oprah where they had parents
give different facial reactions to their children when they picked
them up from childcare (I tried to look up the episode to share
better details but couldn't find it. If you know more about this
episode, please share it with me). What they discovered was that
children's self-esteem correlated to the types of nonverbals their
parents gave them when they first saw them. Parents who barely made
eye contact with their child, overlooked the child and focused on
talking to the other adult in the room, or simply had a blank face
had children who reported a lower self-esteem than those whose
parent's face lit up when they saw their child, embraced them in a
hug and used body language to show interest in their child. Words
did not even have to be spoken.
This demonstration is consistent with similar research done
regarding parents' nonverbal communication with their children.
This knowledge is something that haunts me. I don't want to send
the message to my children that they are unimportant. Or even that
they are just less important than other things in my life. I
certainly don't want my nonverbal communication to be something
that negatively impacts my children's self-esteem! So, I
intentionally try make sure the first and the last facial/body
message that my children get from me is that I am happy that they
are in my life and that I love them with all my heart.
Some days this is more difficult than others. On days when we're
running ten minutes late to school because of goofing around, or
when the baby is crying and requiring a lot of my attention, or
when I just flat-out don't feel good, making my body smile and my
eyes light up with excitement and my arms wrap around a little body
in a hug seems like moving dead weight. But more important than any
of this is that my kids leave for their day with their self-esteem
boosted knowing that their mommy loves them not just because those
words came out of her mouth. And at the end of the day, they know
they are coming home with someone who thinks the world of them and
is not picking them up because it's just the next thing on my to-do
list.
Many times I have to really think about it. I have to remind myself
to show my excitement. I have to tell my eyes to soften. I have to
open up my mouth in a big smile and widen my arms in preparation
for an embrace. Not because I have to force myself to love my kids.
More because I have to step out of my selfish world of I'm
exhausted, I'm not in the mood, or I just want to get out of here.
In these moments I have to remember that I have three adorable
children who just want reassurance that yes, even today, I am glad
I'm their mommy.
This is not about being fake with my kids. I'm not suggesting that
I cover up my stress, frustration, or sickness and give the
"everything's rainbows and roses"- June Clever- cheese ball -hello
and good bye. Anyone who knows me and my kids knows I'm pretty
candid with them about how I'm feeling. But when it's all said and
done. When they have heard how I feel. Can they SEE that despite it
all I love them and think they are amazing? What does 93% of me say
to my kids on a day-to-day basis? What are you saying to your kids?
Obviously, the same rules apply beyond just the Hellos and
Good-Byes we give our kids. What other areas are our nonverbal
communications just as important?
Tara Wood, M.A. is a parenting coach and educator in Denver,
Colorado. She is co-founder and executive director of Xylem Family
Resource, a nonprofit supporting and educating parents. She has
been married for 14 years and adores her three children ages 7, 5,
and 9 months.
To make comments go to original posting of this article at 
http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/building-self-esteem-through-what-we-dont-say

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