"Hear my cry, O
God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalms 61:1-2
For most, the upcoming holiday is a time for rejoicing, family, and thankfulness. For some though, this season will bring back the painful realization of loss, loneliness, and a
"wondering" at what could have been.
16 years ago, Roberta and I were expecting our 4th child. We already had three wonderful children, and we excitedly anticipated the birth of a new family member. Roberta's due date was very close to the Thanksgiving holiday.
Early in her pregnancy we had gone to the hospital for the sonogram, had heard the baby's heartbeat, and had already begun thinking about baby names for our new little one. Our dining room table had 6 places around it, and we couldn't wait to see every chair completely occupied.
At our next sonogram appointment we looked forward to seeing a "picture" of our baby, (albeit the "picture" usually looks like something other than a baby...at least to me.) The technician squirted the sonogram gel on Roberta's stomach, made small talk, and began moving the instrument back and forth. We waited, looking at the screen to see the first glimpses of our child.
As the technician worked, we noticed that the small talk ceased, and that she began to look worried as she took digital measurements of the object on the screen.
I felt a lump welling up in my throat, and I quietly asked, "Is something wrong?" The technician weakly smiled and
replied, "I'm going to have you speak with your mid-wife in a just a few minutes. She'll be right with you momentarily."
"Something's wrong Mike," Roberta said. I weakly protested, and mumbled something like "We don't know that, let's wait for the mid-wife." In my heart though, I knew that we would not be bringing home a little bundle of joy around the Thanksgiving holiday.
The mid-wife arrived and explained to us that there had been complications, and that a miscarriage was imminent. The heartbeat had already stopped. Our baby had died in the womb.
I had always
heard that it's normal for people to experience profound grief during a miscarriage, but I was not prepared for how utterly shocked I would feel. I sat in the waiting room stunned while my spouse spent personal time with the mid-wife attending to her.
We both cried all the home from the
hospital.
As unprepared as I was with the reality of losing our fourth child, I was even more shocked to discover that a number of people in our sphere of influence met the news with a shrug and a "well, these things happen" kind of attitude.
Most hurtful was the glib response of a Christian friend who carelessly said, "Well, God has His reasons. You just weren't meant to have this baby. Be thankful in all things. God knows what He's doing."
I was NOT thankful about losing our child, and everything in me wanted to lash out at such a flippant explanation to
the devastation that we were feeling. I was angry, hurt, and shocked that our loss didn't make so much as a "ripple" on some people's emotions.
People told me, "You'll get over it," but I never did. Even now, as I write this painful memory, my heart aches for the child that would be 16 years old this year...around Thanksgiving time. There is
STILL an empty spot at our table where our child should be sitting.
When these "grief storms" hit me...and, admittedly they DO hit with less and less frequency as time passes; I have to ask my Heavenly Father to take me to a place where I can't go in my own strength. I ask Him to lead me to the "rock" that is higher than myself. I call on Him to carry me to an understanding and
submission where my human heart cannot travel on its own.
Thanksgiving DOES remind me of the loss that Roberta and I have experienced, but it also reminds me that God has been faithful through it all...and that I have much to be thankful for. It also helps me to be a little more sensitive to the loss that others have, or are
experiencing.
Lord, help me through the rough spots on my journey. Take me to a place that I am unable to take myself...especially during the Thanksgiving holiday, and when I look over at the empty chair at our table. Help me to be truly thankful for Your blessings, and give me the grace to place it all in Your capable hands.
Amen.
Life can be hard...but God is still good!
Have a great day and God bless!
