[X&Y] Chase Her, Wait By The Phone, Or Do What Works...Your Choice

Published: Thu, 08/15/19



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CHASE HER LIKE A MAMA'S BOY, WAIT BY THE PHONE,
OR DO THIS...YOUR CHOICE



Dear Scot,

I have a friend Dan who subscribes to your full services...

I subscribe to your newsletter and I like the answers you give (you
apparently actually answer people's questions).

I have a "what happened here?" type of question. I know I'm to blame
at least in part, but want to pin it down exactly.
 
I'm a good-looking, cultured guy, and I met a good-looking,
cultured girl at a charity event. We hit it off immediately.

She's new in town and repeatedly pointed out to me she's single.

I decided to take her out salsa dancing. I'm an experienced Latin
dancer who's just trying his hand at teaching dance a bit - so
suffice it to say she really had a great time.

Frankly she was gushing as we left the club.
 
I texted her a few times after that - still fun, but better than
get-to-know you banter since we had a pretty nice time and I could
draw on that a little. Her texts back again were infrequent /
lacking.

I frankly have other girls working on me, so her behavior sort of
stood out.

In fact, it hit me as this this:  She just wants me to chase.

Too much. She won't lift a finger.

Though I'm asking you to trust me on this one, I believe her
behavior wasn't due to lack of interest in me.

It suddenly struck me that this is HOW she acts out her INTEREST,
by following "her rules" or whatever it is to get me to invest and
chase.
 
I suddenly felt a dim feeling wash over me and I just moved on.

I just feel that at some point, the girl has to meet you halfway in
interest. I mean, at least an enthusiastic text back? Is that
against the rules? Am I going to have to do the heavy lifting...
forever?

A buddy later met her in the gym. Or more accurately, she sort of
hunted him out there. She asked about me, etc. He said little to
her. He said she finally said to herself, "I've got to call him
(me)." She didn't.
 
Thanksgiving, a month later, she sends a "Happy Thanksgiving" text
to me that for all I know could have been sent to everyone en masse
in her phone list.

I just regarded that as typical behavior from Miss "I do nothing,
you need to do everything".

I texted her back, "Is this a mass text?  Still - happy thanksgiving
to you (name of girl)."

She texted me a long one after that, some sort of apology /
insistence that the first text was in fact a personal text to me.

In looking back, I see confusion on her end and mine.

-- On her end, because she probably thinks I "dropped the ball"
after carrying it pretty far.

She didn't get that, at some point, her cooperation would be
appreciated.

-- On my part, because I didn't see an obvious way to eliminate her
"he must chase me always" frame, a way to get her to see that as
infantile at a certain point, even though I knew it was happening.

I have the sense that, if I called her / texted her something
humorous like, "So, I'm putting our elopement plans on hold until
I'm sure you can come up with fun ideas too" - she might have
gotten the picture.

I have no doubt she could have come up with something fun - she's
a fun girl...I think.
 

Russell (Michigan)
 


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Well, Russell, it sounds at least like you are a man who has what I
refer to as "high quality problems".
 
You've given me a lot of information to work with, but I'm still
unclear as to what you really want.

Do you want to know what was going on in her mind?  It doesn't
appear you're too broken up over losing her--just confused with
her behavior.
 
So here it is.  The most desirable women will not chase you--ever
--even if you are used to it from other women.

Nobody should particularly need to "chase" anyway when two high
quality people meet, man OR woman.

So the likely truth is that this woman wanted you to LEAD, not
"chase".

BIG, BIG difference.
 
I'm happy to explain.  But first, a basic observation.

Some women (albeit an ever smaller number) really aren't so into
texting.

Real conversations over text SUCK.  No 'non-verbal' communication
and HUGE margins for error when it comes to misinterpretation (as
you actually saw first hand) make it a bad idea.

If anything, you were dealing with a wise woman here.
 
What she likely wanted was for you to go ahead and call her.

And no, she wasn't going to call you first.  She was looking for you
to take the LEAD.  Elaboration later, but first the basics...
 
This woman absolutely, positively showed a high level of interest
in you.

She flirted with you up front, told you she was single, and then
went out dancing with you...a "real date".

You indeed needed no other proof that she was attracted to you.

But still, high quality women will NOT lose their dignity in the
form of "chasing".

Here we had a woman who simply shared your commitment to
personal dignity and not giving one's power away.

Is that not what you'd rather have than a bunch of fawning bimbos?

The whole "lower status breeds disinterest" game is NOT gender
specific.

We guys lose interest in women who fall all over us as quickly as
women do when men have similar lack of self-control(although
arguably not as quickly, as women rightly demand real leadership
from us).  
 
Yet, in my opinion this woman likely threw her approval of you
out on the table more than she typically does.

Had I been out with her my last official act on that second date
between her "gushing" and "abruptly leaving" would have been to
take her by both shoulders, push her against the door of whichever
car she was "abruptly leaving" in and proceed to kiss her brains
out for exactly 5-10 seconds.

No more...no less.

Then I would have paused for the perfunctory close-range staring
into each other's eyes like wild untamed beasts for another precise
5-10 seconds.

THEN I would have cracked a slight smile, flicked up the end of her
nose with my left index finger like she was a bratty little sister
and simply said, "I'll call you."

Then, I'd have called her as soon as I felt like it.

And I wouldn't have to wait three to five days "so as not to appear
needy", either.

That's what she wanted, but ONLY if you did too--enough to LEAD her
into that reality.
 
I'd actually need more fingers than I have on both hands to count
how many times the above story has played out with mind blowing
results in my life.

Often, I might add, from women who showed nearly zero indication of
interest other than friendly conversation and continued willingness
to stick around for at least a while longer than absolutely necessary.

In fact, looking back I'd need a few more hands to count how many
times I could KICK myself for not knowing back in my late teens/early
twenties what I know now about all of this.

Ever had a woman get in her car and speed off in disgust after an
apparently perfectly good date up until the very end?

Welcome to the "Failure To Deploy" fraternity.  Lets just say it
wasn't "disinterest".  
 
Rest assured that not all American women are greedy manipulators
who want to "wear the pants".

What the great ones ARE, though, is starved for masculine
confidence and leadership, overworked, overwrought and deathly
afraid of looking like "sluts".

For them, "wearing the pants" by default BLOWS.

Outside of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s wife in Jerry Maguire, show me a
woman who "wear the pants" in a relationship and I'll show you a
BITTER woman who resents her WEAK husband.

Your job is to make things go the way you envision them with women
who are clearly interested in you, and then watch in awe as they
THANK YOU for it.

You see, "power" is not something you should be so guarded about
"giving away".

In fact, when you help a woman feel empowered to trust you and
believe in your leadership, the ultimate irony is that you become
MORE powerful--especially in her eyes.

Then she gives you the very same overwhelming approval that we
all crave so much, yet which eludes all of the "needy" guys.

Perhaps one percent of all men understand the kind of stuff we're
talking about right now.  

ONE PERCENT.

And it's really not that complicated, is it?  The thing is, though,
that it requires DISCIPLINE and CHARACTER.
 
I sense you may appreciate an example before I run off, so here
goes.  

It's like this.  

Any bonehead can get on a moped and putt around the neighborhood.

But how about a 1000cc Superbike?

If you try to ride one of those lil' screamers like you're afraid
of it and/or don't understand its capabilities, it'll spit you off
and likely flatten you.

At BEST you'll look pretty stupid in front of your friends.  

However, if you've practiced your bike handling skills, know how to
respect horsepower and pilot the thing with duly earned authority
that same 200hp high-tech masterpiece is probably the safest motorcycle
on the street, and certainly more rewarding in every way than the
moped.

And of course, if you ride the moped on the interstate you'll become
roadkill in no time...with "Kenworth" tattooed on your forehead.
 
That chick was a GSX-R 1000 among MOTOS.     
 

Be Good,
 
Scot McKay




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