[X&Y] Sick Of Doing All The Calling And Texting? Read This...
Published: Mon, 09/09/19
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WHAT'S INSIDE: You're with a woman and she seems to like
you...but it's always YOU who is picking up the phone to callor text her first.
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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS
Hey Scot,
I recently meet a woman online. We started with a few emails
then with an online chat that lasted about an hour and a half.
We talked on the phone twice for a total of about 3 hours.
We have gone out three times. I really like her and honestly I
don't remember the last time I had such a great connection with
someone.
My concern is that it seems to be a little one sided.
I really do think she likes me because when we are together
she is very affectionate towards me, but it seems like when we
are not together I am the only one trying to make contact.
I may call her or send her a "good morning" text or a "how was
your day" text. I have only received one text like that from her,
and we have been talking for over three weeks.
Am I reading too much into it?
Also, is three really great dates enough time to suggest that we
try to make it a little more serious? Or should I just let things
progress naturally? Thanks.
Andrew (Denver, CO)
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Hello Andrew and thanks for checking in.
Not to worry. Most women are taught to let the man take the lead
when it comes to initiating interaction.
Believe it or not, they actually get turned on by men who take
that kind of initiative. It's all part of how masculinity and
femininity work to attract each other.
If it really eats at you, though, go ahead and call out the dynamic
we're discussing here with her just to see how she reacts.
For example, "I've noticed you're very traditional, preferring the
man take the lead when it comes to phone calls and things like that."
Bear in mind that you aren't complaining, challenging or worrying.
You're simply stating a fact.
Note especially that you're confidently calling out the "elephant
in the room" rather than running away from the issue.
If she hasn't realized that you're doing all the calling and texting,
it may be because that's simply her "unconscious" habit when
relating to men.
And if she HAS, that's not unusual for women who have been raised
around "traditional" thinking from a young age.
Be careful if something like this is going on, though. She may launch
into a stream of "I'm sorrys" if she senses you may be displeased.
This tends to be an all but de facto practice among women, doesn't
it?
Although saying "I'm sorry" a lot can be a sign of low self-esteem
if it occurs often enough, she may genuinely feel in this scenario
that she's let you down.
On the other hand, she may openly acknowledge that she's indeed
been intentional about waiting for you to contact her first.
She may also be prompted at that point to ask you if you either
like it that way or have a problem with it.
But at least you'll have some reassurance that she's indeed like
that rather than having lost interest in you.
Either way she responds, it's important at that point to take the
lead (as she wants you to anyway) and reassure her that you find
her old-fashioned outlook refreshing and that you LIKE it.
And if you get nothing more than "I don't know", or some sort of
hesitation--it's time to watch carefully.
Is she just being shy or is she hemming and hawing over the fact
that she really isn't as sold on you as you think?
Pay careful attention to her interactions with you otherwise and
connect the dots.
But in all likelihood, if your gut feeling is that she's indeed
attracted to you, she's probably just "old school". You'll be fine.
As for how slow or fast you want to take things from there, you're
the man. You lead. Your reality is manufactured by YOU.
The good news is she'll almost certainly like that about you also.
If you are a man who has options and you think this woman is
particularly terrific vis-à-vis others you've considered, then
you'll have plenty of clarity when it comes to making her your
steady girlfriend or not.
But feel free to take your time and enjoy all the steps on the path
to getting to know each other well enough for that.
Remember always: It's when we're desperate to hold on to any
woman who likes us and can fog a mirror that we're in trouble.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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