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WHAT'S INSIDE:  You want to be a cool guy, and you know cool guys
attract women.  So what happens when someone does something to you
that isn't so cool?  How should you respond?

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HOW COOL GUYS DEAL WITH UNCOOL PEOPLE


Scot,
 
How does a cool person deal with "being hurt" by other people? I
mean he loves people, he invests in them by making them feel better
(not for the sake of seeking approval), then one of those people
says or does something that really makes him mad.

It happened to me a couple of times and I feel like I need to flat
out say something nasty back to them, otherwise I will feel hurt on
the inside for a while.

For my own well-being it seems right to do so. But is this the
right thing to do?
 

Thanks,

Andrew (Norman, OK)



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Hello Andrew:

Thanks for writing.  What a great, great question.
 
The short answer is to think twice before glorifying such
behavior with the desired response of anger, frustration or
disdain.

Don't put yourself on anyone's level who you consider uncool...
ever.  To do so would be to sacrifice self-respect.
   
All too often, getting a rise out of you is exactly what gives
them their jollies.

Usually the other person is behaving in that manner toward you
either because they're embarrassed, jealous of your success in
some way, or flat-out insecure.

Or worse, maybe he or she is the dreaded combination of
arrogant and ignorant.  That's one of the most socially fatal
combos imaginable.

Just like I talk about in my audio on the subject
(http://www.beingcooler.com), the truly cool guy instead thrives on
helping others around him look and feel cooler.

Only guys who lack social graces ever feel need to put others
down to make themselves look good.

Think about it.  Have you ever observed someone who is actively
trying to make someone else look bad and thought to yourself what a
cool guy he is?

Of course not.

One differentiation I do want to make, however, is between
someone acting petty toward you versus their attempting to
take advantage of you.

If you have a solid measure of self-respect you won't allow
manipulators to walk all over you.  So when you sense someone is
attempting to take advantage of you, calling them out on it is
absolutely the right thing to do.

If your point of view is well-taken and coming from a position of
virtue, assert your opinion.

A similar principle holds true if you're a man with high ethical
standards and someone is doing something in your presence that
you view as very wrong--especially if he or she is encouraging you
to partake.

Note that when you're being direct you're calling out an action or
behavior, not the person him or herself.  What is said is honest,
even if not exactly "pretty", but it's never downright disrespectful.

Generally speaking, although I personally have been known to
make rather direct statements when appropriate, I make it a point
never to insult people with mean, ad hominem personal comments.

It's not uncommon to get mean comments in return having said
something direct, however.  In fact, deep down the fear of getting
insulted is probably what keeps most of us from being direct when
the situation calls for it, right?

Universally, however, receiving insults in response to directness
is a sign that it's not a good idea to continue dealing with the other
person.

Don't allow yourself to be drawn into that sort of melee.

He or she is the problem, not you.
 
But man...I hear you.  Sometimes it's really tempting to put them
in their place, especially if you've got the perfect comeback.  I
promise you, though...sleep on it and you'll be glad you kept your
cool.

This goes double on Facebook, by the way.  You may "win the
Internet" for a hilarious put-down, but your public words might
come back to haunt you.

You know, I think there's even more to this subject of being a cool
guy vis-à-vis interacting with others who aren't yet so advanced at
keeping their own cool.

I once knew a guy who to this day I think of as one of the coolest
guys I've ever met. 

Amazingly, whenever someone around him said something bad about
someone else, spoke in a coarse manner, started complaining about
something and/or said anything else blatantly negative he'd do
something incredibly powerful.

He'd look at the person briefly, pause about a full second, and
then casually change the subject,, usually with a smile...and to
something decidedly lighter.

It was abundantly clear that he would not partake in that which he
didn't condone, but handled the situation as a natural leader
would...all without disrespecting anyone.

The subtle message--that clear exhortation to everyone around to
"raise the bar" in the coolness department--was always received loud
and clear, if silently. 

That amazing example he set was one I never forgot.

The only caveat I'd offer here is that if your manhood or personal
integrity is being called out by another guy you're going to have
to man up and stand up for yourself, especially if his social position
is strong.

The best way to do this, of course, is by making a reasonable
verbal appeal to the guy that what he's saying is inappropriate, it's
uncool, and that it needs to stop.  

Among friends or business associates I would presume that to be
enough.  

Indeed, even when you're interacting with a stranger you'll be
surprised how often being reasonably direct throws water on the
potential for altercation, especially if you lighten the mood with
humor.

If you're dealing with an unreasonable individual, though, you
won't be able to reason with him.  That follows common logic.

At that point you've got to decide whether to walk away or risk the
conversation degenerating into fisticuffs. 

Note that I'm not going to publicly advocate getting into fights.

You, however, can base your personal decision regarding how to
proceed in such situations on how idiotic the other guy is already
causing himself to look and/or what the legal ramifications of the
altercation would be. 

By the way, if a woman ever insults you publicly no real man is
going to second guess your decision not to glorify her remarks in
any way, shape or form.  You have nothing to prove to her or to
others around you in that situation.  Remove yourself.

Yet, somewhere along the way "modern culture" has caused us
to lose sight of what it means to be a man at times, hasn't it?


Be Good,

Scot McKay




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