[X&Y] Are You Silently Wondering? (If So It's Killing Your Chances With Women)
Published: Mon, 08/26/19
IN THIS EDITION: How do you find out what you need to know about a
woman?=====
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SILENTLY WONDERING...
Just the other day I got an e-mail from a guy who asked me a very
simple question.
"Hey Scot, I just met this great woman. I'd like to plan a great
evening with her, and there's this really cool Thai restaurant that
just opened up nearby. Should I take her there? Do you think
she'd like that?"
I get questions like that quite often, actually. It's not always
about restaurants. Some guys prefer to eat in:
"So there's this amazing girl I've been out on two dates with. I
want to invite her over to my place and cook for her (like you talk
about in your book). Do you think she'll feel like she knows me
well enough for that yet?
Here's another example of the same type of question:
"I really don't want to mess things up with this girl I just
started talking to. Do you think women are more into going to an
amusement park or to the orchestra?"
Now, on the surface you may wonder what the similarity is between
those three examples.
Well, certainly each of the guys who wrote is asking about what to
do with a woman on a date.
But here's the thing. The even more common thread between them is
that I answered each with the exact same answer:
"I have no idea. Why don't you ask HER instead of me? After all,
she's the one you're going out with."
It seems so disarmingly simple, doesn't it?
No kidding, I'm sure some of you might already be thinking this
newsletter isn't relevant to your world. There are plenty of us
who definitely would freely ask the woman what she thought, without
missing a beat.
No big deal, right? I mean, why wonder silently what she'd like
when she'll surely be more than happy to tell you...straight up?
The problem tends to run a little deeper for many of us, however.
After all, sometimes the situation at hand might be more
politically loaded.
Say, for example, you're interested in an exclusive relationship
with a woman who you've been casually seeing.
Because you have no idea if she's seeing someone else--and perhaps
likes him better--you wonder silently about what's actually going on
instead of throwing your intentions out on the table.
No doubt, there are plenty of women who aren't shy about telling a
guy when they'd like an exclusive relationship to happen.
But on the other hand, you just might wait forever for a woman to
show you a definitive sign that she'd love to be your girlfriend.
As such, the best way to maximize the probability of getting the
outcome you want is to boldly spell it out.
No silent wondering.
I once talked to a guy who had opened the car door for a woman
while out with her, only to have her take the door from his hands
and finish the whole sequence herself. While doing so, she
summarily excused him with, "I'll do that for myself, please."
(Yeah, well at least she was polite about it, right? Sheesh...)
Well, considering his intentions were good, the guy was a bit shell
shocked by the whole train of events. The ride back to her
apartment was completely devoid of conversation. He finally turned
on the radio to break the deafening silence.
In response to his story, like the others, I wondered aloud what
caused him to wonder silently.
He could theoretically have asked her what it was that caused her
to be so adamant about opening a car door for herself, when all he
was doing was what he believed to be the right thing to do.
My guess is that whatever answer he got would not only have been
imminently better than the silent "drive of death", it would likely
have been more illuminating as well.
I could go on and on with examples, but you get the idea. It's
time to get down to WHY we let all of this "silent wondering" go
on, and better yet--how to put an end to it.
Most of us as men loathe having to ask for directions because it
makes us feel powerless in the moment. I can see how having to ask
a woman we're with for basic information about her might feel the
same way.
When it comes to relationship matters, you could make a valid point
that since we've been almost universally taught the dangers of
"showing our feelings too early", that we somehow fear our
questions will sort of make us look needy.
Here's the thing, though. The LESS you know, the LESS power you
actually have. When you have the information you need, you can act
with more confidence...and competence.
Without that necessary info, we're clueless. That can only make us
feel even MORE powerless, right?
Honestly? I think we understand all of that.
So then, why DO we continue to "wonder silently"?
My gut instinct tells me that like with so many other issues
relating to success with women, it once again comes down to fear of
loss.
We're so concerned about saying the wrong thing or annoying a woman
that we literally won't bring up anything with her if we think
there's even the slightest chance she'll respond negatively to it.
In our twisted way of thinking, any attraction we've managed to get
her to feel is so fragile and tenuous that even ONE small thing
that doesn't go perfectly is likely to bring the whole house of
cards crashing down.
So then, instead of potentially rocking the boat about the whole
door-opening thing, for example, we figure it's better just to let
it go.
Instead of boldly telling a woman that we'd like for her to be our
girlfriend, we put it off...hoping for the perfect time to broach the
subject to magically (read: "accidentally") happen on its own.
And yes, when taken to an extreme, some of us even fear that a
woman will lose interest, cancel the date and walk away from us
simply because we even suggested going out for Thai food.
When you break it all down, the more basic the example the more
preposterous the fear sounds, doesn't it? But for many guys it's
very real.
So what's a brother to do?
The first step is to realize definitively that yes, knowledge IS
power. As such, you don't risk losing power by asking the
questions that give you the information you need, you actually gain
it.
Second, if ANY woman kicks you to the curb simply because you were
interested in learning what her basic likes and interests are, you
can freely assume that you've dodged a bullet. That's HER problem,
not yours.
Third, and most importantly, pay attention to HOW you go about
gathering information.
Yes, you need to have a plan, so you don't simply want to ask her
where she wants to go.
In the case of the Thai restaurant, you might suggest it as follows:
"There's a completely cool new Thai restaurant, and I'm in the mood
to go. You should come with me, unless of course you've got some
crazy tropical allergy to coconut milk."
By suggesting rather than asking (let alone begging), you keep your
masculine power...all while adding a bit of humor as you leave the
door open for her to express distaste for Thai food if she must.
If on the off chance she's not so into Thai cuisine, you'll want to
have a backup plan.
If she doesn't like Greek food either, then at that point I
recommend simply asking her what she DOES like to eat.
You see, there comes a point where you've demonstrated fully enough
that you're a man with a plan, and it's time to ask the freaking
question and get an answer.
She's an adult, and she probably fully understands she's harshing
your buzz. You did your part, and no woman in her right mind is
going to hold it against you that she didn't like either your
original idea or your contingency plan.
In fact, at that point she may feel silly and apologize to you.
Your mission at that point is to restore her comfort in your
presence.
That's all the more reason for simply getting the information you
need and moving forward without making a big deal of it.
And indeed, if you're confident that you're NOT needy or desperate,
then you can and should get whatever objective information you need
from a woman, whenever it becomes necessary to have it.
Note the key word there is "objective". Every bit of what we've
discussed here applies to fact-finding questions about HER likes
and interests.
It's definitely still a mistake to ask a woman questions like, "Do
you like me?" or "Am I doing everything right?"
Be a man who ignites her femininity and makes her feel comfortable
that you have her best interests at heart, and rest assured that
you won't have to "wonder silently" about any of that either.
The simple fact that you found out what you need to know about her
when it mattered actually makes igniting her femininity even more
probable. Isn't that cool how it all comes full-circle?
Be Good,
Scot McKay
=====
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