My neighbors down the street are still feuding, or so
it would seem. I wrote a meditation before about their differences in The Better of Two P’s (Pride and Principle). I don’t know these neighbors, so I don’t know for sure what has transpired between them except what I’ve observed over the years.
When I saw Neighbor A put in a cat door, I thought maybe they had problems between their animals. When he dug a big trench between their yards, I guessed it was about grass. Neighbor A has a weed-free lawn of well-manicured
fescue grass and Neighbor B has a mix of grasses and weeds, including Bermudagrass, which loves to roam. I talked about that before in a meditation about comparison, called The Grass Is Never Greener for Long.
The next escalation I noticed during my walks is that Neighbor A had planted a long row of tall, ornamental grass apparently to obstruct his view of Neighbor B’s property. The barrier of tall grass struggled to grow for months. It was limp and sparse,
and looked awful. Half alive, half dead. He finally pulled that up and I thought maybe that would be the end of it.
A few weeks ago, I observed three new shrubs, about four feet tall, planted between their properties.
They were strategically placed to block the view of Neighbor B’s backyard when Neighbor A is sitting in his chair outside his garage (and perhaps vice versa, so they can’t see him).
Today I got to thinking about all the
mental energy, not to mention physical energy, time and money that Neighbor A has spent trying to block his view (partially at best) of his neighbor, as well as their ability to see him. I have a wider perspective, however. I can see the whole scene from the street and how limited his efforts are. Even if these three bushes survive, the view is wide open if either neighbor takes a few steps in a different direction. Maybe just being able to sit in his chair outside his garage without having to
see his neighbors is worth all the latest effort?
I’m reminded of how often I still fight against my circumstances by refusing to accept something, instead of surrendering the way I think things should be and learning how
to abide in peace the way they are. I keep throwing my best thought-out solutions at the situation, spinning my wheels, and wasting precious mental energy reserves (and perhaps my time, effort and money) fighting against “what is.” I may fall into that mental prison and spend time there before I realize, oops, I’m in control- and lack-of-acceptance mode again, trying to figure it out from my limited, temporary perspective.
A good friend recently reminded me to ask myself a few questions when I’m frustrated about an ongoing issue that’s troubling me. What does God want me to learn through this situation? What is being developed in me through this challenge? How might my experience with this obstacle make me
stronger? Who might I be able to inspire when I’m on the other side of this?
Are you dealing with a tough situation that isn’t going your way? Maybe it’s a conflict with a neighbor, a problematic boss, or a coworker?
Perhaps you have a challenging situation with a family member? Or maybe it’s simply hard to get along with a loved one you experience to be difficult? These issues aren’t easy to change, and in some cases, may not be possible to change at all. So what do we do when we’ve tried our best to work it out, but we’re not finding resolution?
It serves me well to ask the questions above about how I can grow and find the gift, and do my best with the hand I’ve been dealt. It doesn’t mean I don’t take appropriate action when that’s called for. Good self-care—voicing my needs and requests—is always appropriate. But when that hasn’t worked, and when it isn’t feasible to remove myself from the conflict,
a good use of energy is to focus on MY attitude, what I CAN change, to accept how things are now, and surrender my resistance that is proving to be futile, and robbing me of joy.
For me, it’s okay to say something once,
to make a request and express my needs. If I say the same thing more than once, than I might be attempting to control and manipulate the situation, rather than accept the fact that I may have to find peace as things are right now.
Each circumstance is different, but it’s always a good idea to ask ourselves questions during prolonged conflict. Put simply again:
How is this serving me?
What can I learn from
this?
How can I grow in this?
Who can I help through this?
The original version of the Serenity Prayer sums up the essence of everything I hope we take away from this week’s meditation:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change
the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.
− Reinhold Niebuhr
Have a great week accepting life on life's terms and finding peace, and of course, finding the gift!
