This week, I’m reflecting on how I became a people pleaser and how I’m working to undo that identity. I grew up feeling like I had to almost literally tap dance for my supper to minimize being seen as a burden. While that may or may not be a true reflection of how I was seen, that’s how it felt which made it reality
for me.
Naturally, this way of being in the world stayed with me. I learned to size people up, read a room, and try to keep someone pleased with me. While this strategy worked well and was necessary as a child, it does
not work well today. My relationships are hindered when I fall back into that old behavior.
People-pleasing, or tap dancing—the phrase that resonates more strongly with me—turns me into a fake, and makes me believe I am
responsible for things which I am not. In my attempts to be what I think others need or want me to be, I am less authentic and as a result, displeased with myself (which feels bad). It’s a journey to care more about what I think of me, than what others think of me.
If I show up in ways I don't want to, but think I should, a general sense of dis-ease and dissatisfaction festers within me. If I act against my true desires long enough, I become overcharged with negative emotions and am likely to erupt with words or actions that I will regret.
To break this cycle, I have to first recognize when I am being fake—when I’m operating out of a should instead of a want to, because it’s usually not consciously intentional.
I wrote last week about a new-to-me term called energy signatures (click HERE if you missed it), which can be a
helpful way to detect how we really feel in sticky situations. Our bodies don’t lie. By tuning in physically, emotional clarity can emerge.
For instance, if I’ve not been true to myself and instead, I've been acting out
of a should, it may show up as tight shoulders or a knot in my stomach, as I think about a person or a situation.Vagueneness around feelings is a challenge, but knowing our truth is powerful. We can always work with the truth.
Another part of this lesson is learning to give myself permission to have needs, especially when what I need is different from what someone else wants.
Needs don’t always align in
relationships or circumstances, so when we’re trying to be true to ourselves, we might displease some people. Disappointing someone by sharing honestly about our needs might actually be a sign of personal growth, because the truth is, we can't please everyone all the time. (We'll make ourelves miserable trying.)
I remember when I first started to work on myself, a family member was not happy with the new me. They said, “You’re not the same person you used to be.” Hooray! That meant I had started achieving the goal of personal transformation.
The people who benefit from our tap-dancing are not going to be happy when we decide to quit performing.
Even though our new behaviors may be met with resistance, we are offering our significant relationships an invitation to more intimate connection. When we start being genuine more often, resentments won’t be festering in the background, blocking our mutual love and respect. We will stop blaming them for all the difficulties when we're able to admit our part was being unwilling to use our voice and take good care of ourselves.
Learning to ask myself and identify what I really need is important because I am the one responsible for giving myself what I need. I don't want other people to have to read the room or be a mind-reader with me, anymore than I want to stay in that position
for others.
We find people in life who interact the way we do. If we frequently hide our true selves, we are likely going to find ourselves in relationships where mind-reading is required. If we start asserting what we want and need, people will join us, or they may leave. When I am not willing to make myself less to try to be more for somebody else, like it or not, people will at least know where I stand.
Isn't it refreshing to be in relationships that are easy? Where people say what they want, and say what they need, and we don't have to waste our energy wondering what they're NOT saying? What the hidden messages are?
Practicing this new behavior or any new behavior takes a strong desire for change, and a willingness to be uncomfortable. We learn to say what we mean and mean what we say, but not say it mean. Gentleness goes a long way when bringing more honesty and authenticity into a
relationship we care about.
Explaining my needs and requests in-depth is another part of my old behavior that has to shift. A good friend and mentor of mine says it’s best to say hard things in as few sentences as
possible, ignoring the urge to justify and explain.
When we do any of this less than perfectly, and we will, we have to remember we’re practicing a new skill and give ourselves plenty of grace.
I’ve done two hard things this week, saying what I need in situations I thought could possibly be upsetting for others. Even though it’s scary, vulnerability almost always leads to gifts. In one of these situations, I think we
will actually be closer because of what I dared to share.
Do you struggle with people pleasing? Is it still working for you, or not so much? May you find gifts in unexpected places this week, especially when willing to
show up as your truest self (even when it’s tough).
