Nearly every marriage survey says poor communication is the leading cause of divorce. 

Researchers can predict whether a couple will divorce by simply observing how the husband and wife communicate.

But why is communication in marriage so hard?

And why do couples get it so wrong?  

Assumptions

Many spouses assume they know what their partners are thinking and feeling and why they're doing what they're doing. 

And they assume their partners know the same things about them, or at least should.

Such assumptions cause severe misunderstandings in marriage.

The only way to know what a person is thinking or feeling is to ask them. And to keep asking clarifying questions until you're clear on the matter.

All-or-Nothing
 

Some people see everything as either black or white. They think in extremes.

It's hard for them to consider other alternatives and options because they think they're right or their option is the obvious one.

Anything but complete agreement feels like a loss, so they keep at it until their spouse “surrenders.”

The first step to fixing this type of thinking is to recognize that you have this tendency. 

Secondly, replace this thinking with the truth: 

When you catch yourself thinking in absolutes, remind yourself that black and white are not always the only options because life isn't that simplistic.

Piling on
When having a difficult conversation with your spouse, stick to the issue at hand. 

Bringing in unresolved issues from the past and piling them on your spouse makes them feel dumped on and attacked, perhaps even emotionally abused. 

Stick to the current issue.

Why?

Because it reduces the scope of the conversation making it easier to understand each other and find a solution.

If your spouse starts detouring, say you're happy to discuss that issue at a later time but for now you'd like to resolve the current issue. 

If you catch yourself detouring, discipline yourself to get back on track and stick with the issue at hand. 

Recognizing and avoiding these common pitfalls is the difference between average and great communication, and also a happy or unhappy marriage. 

Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!