“It is under the greatest adversity that there exists
the greatest potential for doing
good,
both for oneself and others.”
- Dalai Lama -
If you’re anything like me, you might be having a rather hard time right now with
deciding how on earth to go about ‘normal’ life when there’s so much hard stuff going on in the world.
If have a business, it might feel cold and callous to keep on talking about it, as if it’s business as usual. Isn’t it ludicrous to go on with the normal things in your life, when scores of children on the other side of the world are enduring unthinkable suffering and/or dying every
day?
Yet – we have to live our daily lives on our side of the world, and somehow make the best of what we have. A long time ago I heard from Esther Hicks something like, “You can’t feel bad enough to make someone else feel better.”
That usually puts things in perspective for me right away. I
must keep on living my life, and be the best person I can possibly be, with respect for those who are suffering – without collapsing.
Today I want to share a few thoughts about a few perspectives from beautiful people who inspire me. They help me to see a way through the haze. I hope some of these thoughts might mean something to you, too.
One: Let’s start where we are - a small difference counts
Thank you to Tad Hargrave for these points.
On Friday last week, I attended a fantastic day-long workshop in London by a marketing mentor I’ve been following for many years. He’s tall, lean, has long, long hair, wears
a hat and a waistcoat, and his website is MarketingforHippies.com – look him up.
The day was all about how we can market our business in an authentic way, without the sleaze, the pushing, the wheeling and dealing, and in fact ANY ickiness.
At some point, he acknowledged all the difficult stuff going on in the world. And
he said something to this effect:
“There is a lot of suffering out there at the moment. So many of the caring business-owners I work with feel it’s crazy to talk about their business considering all of that. I don’t have the answers. What I DO know, is we can’t put it ALL right immediately. But - we can each make a small difference where we are. And that must count for
something.”
There were plenty of nods in the room of 80 people.
So instead of putting everything on hold because it seems cold to keep going as usual, let’s make the small difference where we are. Let’s keep contributing and making a difference right on our doorstep. That goodwill and value does spread beyond us.
We don’t know whose lives we can touch with something simple like a kind smile or gesture.
Two: The Circles of Concern, Influence and Control
Thank you to Steven Covey for these thoughts.
I wrote an entire
article on this which you can read here. The bottom line is – we have a circle of concern (usually huge), and a circle of influence (usually much smaller) and a circle of control (the
smallest).
Especially if you’re a caring soul with a gentle heart – there is a vast difference between the number of things we care deeply about (concern), and the number of things we can actually do something about (influence and control).
Exercise
In times like these, it might help us to sit down and do this exercise.
- Draw a huge circle and fill it with words about all the issues you are concerned about.
Draw another circle and fill it with words about all the issues you can truly do something
about. You’ll notice how much smaller this circle is. - And that gives us a little insight into where to put most of our focus.
It can totally drain our energy to spend all our time and resources thinking, pondering, worrying, ruminating about issues where we cannot make a difference. Yes, we can pray, and send
good thoughts to the places where we really have no influence or control. But what won’t help, is the worrying or sending worry-thoughts into that situation.
Three: Put your oxygen mask on first!
Thank you to the airline industry for this one. 😊
I was talking to a dear friend over the weekend, who had some very difficult decisions to make. She needed to choose between her own wellbeing and needs, and the wellbeing and needs of a precious friend of hers. It was incredibly tough for her because she’s sensitive, deeply empathic, and would never want to abandon a soul in need.
We ended up praying together briefly
about the situation, as we often do. There were no answers at that stage.
Clarity
It’s usually so easy for us to have ideas about what others should do in difficult situations. Partly I think it’s because as an outsider we have distance and perspective, rather than being mired in the problem. All the
factors are so much clearer from a way away.
So my first thought when she shared this, was: if her own oxygen mask is not firmly in place, she will not be able to help her friend to put hers on. I’ve discovered this, of course, from much personal experience.
It’s simply not smart to keep giving to others at our
own expense. It depletes our resources and is not sustainable. Our own reserves will run out too. And THEN what happens? The person we were trying to help or support, will be left without that support anyway, AND now we must get ourselves back to a better place…most likely with the help/support of another person.
Today, just as I was about to complete this article, she wrote about a bunch of insights she
had. Clarity was starting to appear for her, coupled with much relief.
Back to the circle of concern and influence. With prayer for a situation that she could not see clearly, answers started arriving about what would be in her own as well as her friend’s highest good. We don’t have to ‘do’ it all ourselves. We can ask for help from Friends in High Places, too.
Four: Don’t stop living your own life during hard times
George Kao, whose business group MasterHeart I was in for 4 years, keeps inspiring me with his unbelievable business consistency, while also caring in profound ways for his clients and social media followers. His big heart has a lot to say about this issue and below is the
full video where you can listen to why he doesn’t post about social and political issues.
Why I don't talk about politics or social issues
My brief summary:
George advocates using our time and energy where we can make the biggest difference in the world, and serve the most people. He talks about what unites, not divides. And he only talks from his direct experience - because the rest is really down to opinions formed by the kind of news, social media, and books we consume, and the company we keep. His video is informative, humbling and might provide some new perspective on this
issue.
Have a look at all the comments below his video. A lot of people found huge relief in the permission he gave us, by speaking his truth.
Five: Meaning and purpose
Then there’s the point of view that
helping and supporting others contribute to the meaning in our lives. Dr Samantha Boardman writes in ‘Ready for Anything’, that 3 factors stood out in a research study about building vitality:
- Autonomy – the experience that you are the author of your own behaviour and are free to make your own choices.
- Competence – the experience of feeling effective at what you do.
- Relatedness – the experience of feeling close and connected to others. We feel uplifted when we engage and interact with our loved ones.
We can definitely build (not
lose) our strength and inner resources by being of service to others. You’ve probably read too, that in dire situations like concentration camps, the people who are most likely to survive are those who find purpose by helping fellow souls. Meaning and purpose are vital for our wellbeing, and it can help us to endure a lot.
So… what am I
saying?
Am I saying, “Don’t help anyone else”? Or am I saying “Forget your own needs and be there for others”?
Not one of them. I’m just so very aware that this topic is complex and needs us to consider all the finer nuances.
Perhaps, like both George and Tad above have said: meaning and purpose by being of service in the arenas where we can make the biggest difference.
I’m filled with awe when I see it in a movie or real life: a person in dire need of assistance - and someone steps up and comes to their aid. Sometimes even with little thought for their own wellbeing or
safety.
That gets my biggest admiration. I’ve needed plenty of help in my life, and have been incredibly grateful for the support that did show up.
Last week was such a week. In my previous newsletter I wrote about feeling low. That did continue for another week. I had invaluable help from 3 sessions, with 3
beautiful souls. It made the world of difference for me to discover all the layers under the surface and let some of that go. I could not do that for myself, and I certainly needed kind human beings to lift me up.
The helpers of the world are heroes in my eyes. Thank you. I do believe we are here to ‘walk each other home’. But not at our own expense. The kind souls who supported me last week, were giving
from a full cup - not an empty one.
Where’s the balance?
As a sensitive, caring soul, I’m so very aware of the incredibly thin line here.
I’m talking about the elegant balancing act on that thin line between caring
only about others at the expense of ourselves, and caring too much about ourselves at the expense of others.
A tightrope
I wonder if you agree that it can be like walking a tightrope above the Grand Canyon? We can hit a big balance-wobble, make mistakes either way… and the consequences could be a bit
of an “oooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh… ouch... splat”. 🤕
I’m in a deep exploration about this in my own life. It’s been my default to err on the side of the ‘only-others-and-not-me’ side. That has consequences, and like I said – not pretty.
Sometimes we swing wildly from one extreme to the other when we first
attempt a change in a behaviour or perception. And therefore, I believe, where this tightrope line is for each of us needs careful, ginger exploring. With grace and support, and hopefully a safety net.
So, fellow Traveller going through life during a tough time on Mother Earth:
It appears we’ve not signed up for easy times.
May you find wise ways to walk that rope... ways that fill your heart with compassion for yourself and others in equal ways.
I'd love to hear from you. Was there something that spoke to
you?
