Have you ever played the game of tug-of-war? 

In IEP/ARD meetings this can play out as:

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1. The argument ends when someone’s opinions are overruled by the group or by some person in authority.  The parent is often the one feeling defeated and dragged through the mud.

2. The argument ends when someone gives up in disgust and feels hopeless.

3. The argument ends when the rope breaks and the process is at an impasse.  Parents pursue another way to resolve the disagreement – facilitated IEPs, mediation, state complaint, due process.

An alternative to the Tug-of-War game at IEP meetings is principled negotiation.  This is the basis for the popular book, Getting to Yes developed by Roger Fisher and William Ury. 

The Tug-of-War alternative has 4 components: 

1. People

2. Interests

3. Options 

4. Criteria​​​​​​​

In our recent Facebook live show we looked at the first component:  People.  On future broadcasts we’ll cover the other components.  Click here to view the video.  Listen to the podcast, click here.

You’ve probably heard this expression before, “Be easy on the person and hard on the problem.” Or “You need to separate the people from the problem.”  But how do you do it?

We need to separate what we think of the person from the goal of resolving the problem, and then we will be much more successful. How do we do this?

1. Treat every relationship as a long term relationship.  Chances are in the school setting you’re going to have to work with this person again.

2. Model respectful behavior no matter how you are treated.  The other person will come to see that their attacks aren’t provoking you and they are more likely to getting back to the real problem. 

3. Try to see yourself and the other person as an ally.  This increases collaboration.

4. Don’t give up your interests to maintain a relationship with the other person.

5. Avoid trying to defeat the person. This usually ends with a poor decision being made and a failing relationship.

The most natural thing to do when you’re dealing with a difficult person is to react. This is also the biggest mistake you can make.  You also want to remember to not control the other person’s behavior, but instead control your behavior.  We will talk more about this in upcoming live shows.

Do you want some summertime reading to help prevent IEP/ARD Tug-of-Wars?  Check these books out.