Today has been one mother of a lesson.
Although I'm still working through it, I'm going to teach you exactly how I went from sadness, to anger, to acceptance within the past 8 hours.
Today was the day I was going to receive my acceptance email for the Chicago Marathon. I had no doubt in my mind that I would be getting in. I knew the possibility
was there. I knew that it's supposed to be harder for non-Chicago residents (at least that's the assumption), but I had no doubt I would be ending the night celebrating.
I envisioned paying the fee (I even asked for some of my Christmas money early). I couldn't wait to officially post I was running it again. I felt the feeling of telling my friends and family that I was running
it again next October. I heard the congratulatory responses in my head and everything. It was a done deal.
Last year, I received the email when I woke up but this year they were supposed to be sending emails out all throughout the day. A couple of minutes before I went live in my FB community, Own Your Vibe, to do live card pulls I received the email...I hadn't been accepted.
I had to reread the email a couple times.
What. the. fuck?
I wanted to cry, but I'm a professional at what I do. I compartmentalized what I was going through for a hot minute so I could show up and give the messages that were meant to come through me. I did, however, share with the group what was going on and used it as a teachable moment because I'm authentic as fuck.
I ended the call and I broke down into tears.
"Hearts aren't supposed to hurt like that
They're not supposed to break so fast
They say that time's a healer
How long is this burn supposed to last?"
I know, I know. Hearts don't break. No one (nothing) can break your heart, only your expectations. My expectations were fucking
The Chicago Marathon has been an incredibly painful experience for me. Last year, I applied when I was still with my now ex. I applied without even telling him at first because I was so nervous about it. I thought it was a fucking long shot to get in.
We had a plan. He wasn't going to run it, he was going to help me with my training plan, and he was solely going to support me and cheer me on. By the time I received my acceptance letter, we were on a break and on the path to breaking up. I received the letter and as fast as I got excited, I started sobbing. I knew I was going to be going on that journey alone. About a week later, we broke up.
Part of the reason I applied again was because I wanted to have an experience running it that wasn't connected to him. I wanted to do it on my own from start to finish. I wanted it to be my own. Even though we had been broken up, he was there for me when I had questions. He supported me from afar the day of.
As I shared with close friends and family today about my disappointment, I had lots of people trying to help me see the silver lining.
It wasn't meant to be.
Something better is meant to happen.
It's a redirection.
It's for the best.
There are other marathons.
Some people were already trying to help me find other marathons.
The more others tried to help, the angrier I got. I went for a walk and finally sat down and just
cried. I allowed the feelings to come. I felt the anger. I accepted that I was pissed. I accepted that I wanted to throw shit. I accepted that I wanted to tell people to fuck off.
I heard what I tell my clients, "Anger is a secondary emotion. What's underneath?"
No. I'm just fucking angry. There's nothing underneath. Let me just be angry.
Then a friend of mine really hit home, "THAT [not wanting to be coached out of my feelings] is totally fair and ok. Does that particular race represent something to you egoicly? The disappointment is real, feel that shit."
It wasn't just rejection. It was Chicago Marathon rejection. It was Chicago rejection. I felt like I had been rejected by my city. I felt like my former life was rejecting me. It felt like the life I had lived for 5 years was nonexistent. I felt like I had left and wasn't
I felt like I was being rejected by my ex. He pretty much has a guaranteed entry and although I have no clue if he's running it next year, it felt like he was taking the race away from me.
Once I started to pinpoint what was really going on
underneath it all, the anger started to lessen. Once the anger started to fade, I was able to see clearly what was going on. Any time there is anger, it's protecting us from the pain we're really feeling.
Lack of self-worth.
Lack of self-love.
Little Anne was hurting and the more others tried to fix it, the less she felt seen and heard. The reason I felt like screaming, punching something, and throwing things was because my inner child legit wanted to throw a fucking tantrum.
Little Anne wanted to feel seen.
She wanted to be heard.
She wanted to be loved.
She wanted to know she mattered.
She wanted to know she existed.
Anger is always showing you where your inner child needs something. Anger is showing you where you need to love yourself harder.
When the anger comes, don't judge yourself for it. Feel it, but then allow yourself to get curious about why it's there.
Feel your feelings.
Accept where you are.
Don't force yourself to be anywhere you're not ready to be.
If this had happened a year ago, I would have eaten and drank myself through the pain. This,
everything I shared above, is exactly HOW I have worked through my emotional eating and drinking.
I still feel the sadness, but I'm moving into the acceptance that something amazing is always coming my way.
This, my loves, is HOW I have worked through my
shit. This is all the shit that happens behind the scenes that you don't see on a daily basis. This is exactly the kind of shit I share with my #viberaiser Club as I work through my own triggers. They get the behind-the-scenes look at my day-to-day growth and
**If you're needing additional guidance on your own journey, I'm looking to start mentoring 6 new clients before January 1.