How is this journey unfolding for me?
Everything began to shift when I started to accept my worst case scenario. Note: accepting worst case scenario and then shifting to what you actually want is very different than fearing worst case scenario, where you're putting your energy into what you don't want. Acceptance is a tricky thing for all of us because we believe that in order to accept, we have to want that thing. No, acceptance is not the same as desire. Acceptance
does, however, allow us to release whatever fears and resistance we're still holding onto.
For me, my biggest fear (besides not being able to buy food, which I already experienced in Mississippi) was having to sleep in my car...with my 2 cats. Not only did it sound like a logistical nightmare with feeding them and setting up the litter box, but I made it mean that I had failed at life. This is not a judgment about anyone who has had to sleep in their car. This is me sharing openly and transparently what this journey looks and feels
like for me.
The morning I was getting ready to leave the place I was staying in outside of Grand Junction, Colorado, I finally came to acceptance around sleeping in my car. You may have all kinds of questions around why I wouldn't ask people for help. I've had family members help me out when I was in true need - without food and when my car had unexpected maintenance I was unable to cover.
What I've been learning throughout all of this, though, is that there are stories, fears, and beliefs that have been trying to come to the surface that I was unable to see before and getting "bailed out" by family members prevented me from seeing some of the deep-rooted patterns.
I had an addiction to receiving money in panic and fear.
Our addiction to our money cycle/story is the same as any other addiction. It's all energy.
When we continue to deplete ourselves, Natalie/ego goes on a hunt to see where we can get that energy - food/money/drugs/alcohol/etc.
I've been on this entrepreneurial journey now for over 5 years and I've been in the process of breaking my addiction to the hustle and grind in order to live a life of ease and flow. Sounds easy, right? News flash: it's fucking hard because it requires you to break every single habit you may not even be aware you have.
My business survived for 5 years on traditional marketing and sales, messaging people, inviting them to work with me, etc. It simply stopped feeling good. Every time I tried to "get" the money, it felt awful. It only perpetuated my pattern of receiving in the energy of panic and fear.
The cycle went something like this:
I had money and therefore felt "secure" > as money began to be invested in you know, life, I began to clench onto what I had out of fear, preventing more from coming in > money stopped coming in and I began to look outside of myself for security > I felt like I was playing chicken with the Universe until I couldn't handle the panic and discomfort anymore and I would finally go out and "find" the money
> As soon as money came in, I felt relief/comfort/security
...and the cycle would begin all over again.
So, whatever energy you are currently receiving money in is how you will continue to receive it until you become aware enough to break the cycle.
If I wanted to receive in ease and flow, I had to remain in ease and flow and only do things that felt easy and inspiring. When you have less than $9 in your bank account and nowhere to stay, that can feel beyond challenging.
So? I first started with acceptance. I accepted sleeping in my car.
The kicker? I knew I had money coming to me at some point through a client still paying off her invoice and a man who is buying my electric violin in payments. But, I had no control over when that money was coming in.
Natalie/ego wanted me to message both of them to "check in" (something I'm sure many of us do when someone "owes" us money). Anne, you need the money and they have money for you. It could at least get you a night. And yet, I waited.
I checked out of my place and drove to a park to eat a lunch of carrots and hard-boiled eggs. A friend of mine told me the night before she had enough hotel points to put me up in a hotel for a little bit and yet, I didn't even have the money to cover the pet fee.
I sat in my car and had a conversation with Natalie. Isn't this fun? It's like camping in our car! This is going to be such a great adventure and although I know you're worried, this doesn't mean anything about us, boo. Natalie totally rolled her eyes at me. I continued to focus on gratitude. I have enough food through tomorrow, have enough money to buy some food tomorrow, I have shelter in my car, and
thank God for clean restrooms at the gas station!
As I sat in my car, focusing on all the things I was grateful for instead of how awful life was, I received money from the man buying my violin and, it was $25 more than I thought his first payment was going to be!
Needless to say, I had enough for gas, more food, and a night of pet fees to stay in a hotel for free. When I got here, I was expecting a hotel room. You know - bed, bathroom, fridge. The basics. What I got? A king suite with a balcony overlooking a river and mountains. Abundant as fuck!
Not only that, but my friend had unexpected money and decided to cover the pet fees for the rest of my time here and had enough points to put me up through Friday.
I'll be the first to admit it's not easy to transcend your current circumstances when they're staring you in the face. It's hard to hold the vision of what you know is possible when all you're currently experiencing is lack and scarcity.
I will also boldly tell you it is possible. I have done it time and time again and although I may not be the coach with 6 figures and a big ass following, I know what I teach works. I know what I help my clients with transforms their lives when they apply it.
There's nothing I've done that you cannot do. Anything that is possible for me is possible for you, too. Everything I've done, you have access to for free.
And, if you want someone by your side to help you hold the vision when you struggle to see the path clearly, I'm really fucking good at that, too.