Everyone is living afraid of getting into one of “those” fights. And since you’re an Alpha woman, we all know exactly how your man fights: withdrawal, stonewalling,
condescension, outbursts of anger, agreeing just to shut you up. Sprinkle in some periodic nasty words and passive aggressive behavior and there you have it…a Beta Male’s fight menu.
So why on earth would I tell you to fight with this man?
This is pretty simple. You have to hash it out with him to see if you can get to a place of peace. Otherwise you will live the rest of your life (for some of you that will only be two or three years with this guy, for many of you 10 to 15 and for several of you, just forever) feeling unloved, walking on eggshells and dreaming of
something different.
OK. Here are the caveats:
- Your man is conflict avoidant, so even attempting to have the conversation will be resisted in and of itself
– without you even reaching the topic.
- You don’t tend to try to have these conversations until you have lost your mind and are coming from a place of either extreme anger or extreme hurt, both of those make it impossible for you to communicate in a way that does not
trigger all of his defense mechanisms, shut down and not hear you.
- You haven’t been taught how to have crazily difficult conversations, and keep going
to you reach a resolution.
Even though all of that is true, you should still do this.
Otherwise, you stay trapped in the limbo that you’re in right now.
Ask yourself how long you’ve been fighting about the same thing?
I knew an Alpha with a guy who would comment on how sexy other women looked while they were out. It drove her insane. (Valid!) It demoralized her. Kept her in a place of comparison, "less than" and general crappy feelings.
She would usually attempt to have this discussion
when she was embarrassed, hurt and angry, right after he’s made the comment about some other woman’s outfit.
I cannot teach you in a blog training post how to do this, it’s a coaching thing.
I can give you some things to look out, for that will increase your chances
of success.
Watch your Timing.
Watch your Tone.
Watch your Topic.
Timing is more than half the battle with men. Bringing up something that’s going to be difficult for both of you when either one of you is tired, already angry or struggling is a fail.
My dearest, darling, Alpha. Watch your tone of voice.
You cannot hear how you sound. I promise you cannot.
For you to understand how you sound (you’re going to hate this example, but it will work), think of how your mother sounds when she’s poking at you about something.
Do not sound like that! Do not start the conversation already
sounding like you’ve been arguing your point for 45 mins (or 3 years). If you work TWICE as hard as you think you need to keep your tone gentle and non-“I cannot stand that you are this way” -ish, you might be OK.
Topic. Pick one. I will say that again.
Pick ONE Topic Alpha.
From my example above, she would often start Topic ONE of him drinking too much when they go out with their friends and then add on Topic TWO, the woman comments. Don't try for two topics.
It will be hard enough to have a discussion on one thing and impossible to do two.
Men are not designed to multitask. Seriously. It’s an evolutionary thing. They were designed to have single focus
in stressful situations: killing our dinner or killing what attacks us.
This does not mean that the man you’re talking to will not attempt to introduce other topics. He will! Do not get into a fight about the fact that he’s introducing other topics. Stay focused and gentle. (Takes practice, but what else have
you got to do for the next few years?!)
A massive part of my private coaching goes into helping an Alpha learn how to hear herself, how to feel her feelings and validate those. Then we learn how to voice those feelings, in a way that someone else can hear them, that is not used to
hearing them, and has never been trained to hear & satisfy a woman’s feelings and needs.
Tricky stuff.
Still...Stop avoiding the
fights.
Like avoiding having a fight to its conclusion, where you come to a workable resolution so everyone can feel peace and move on? Fine, but that means that you will have the SAME 1/2 a fight forever versus a full fight for a weekend.
Counterintuitive and absolutely something we’ve all learned to do the wrong way (avoid, delay, suppress, explode) to the detriment of our relationships.
What fights do you know you need to have?
Start Real Love, Stop Avoiding Conflict.
Start by Stopping that.
In Joy,
