"How is intentional relationship conflict different from conflict in general? Conflict in intimate relationships is like fire. For some of us it becomes a wildfire, burning out of control, emotionally burning each partner. For others, it turns into a controlled bonfire that brings us closer together as we talk, laugh, and learn more about one another. Clear boundaries, emotional safety, and containment transform the danger of a fire into a tool for comfort, closeness, and emotional intimacy."

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"In this episode of Insights at The Edge, Stan and I spoke about the role of the subconscious mind in how we relate to our partner especially during times of distress. We also talked about how to develop what Stan calls, 'an owners manual for our partner'. Finally, we talked about what it means to truly put our relationship first."

"In Japanese, the phrase sottaku doji means “simultaneously pecking from inside and outside.” Zen Buddhism uses this as a metaphor for the relationship between teacher and student; the student is pecking from the inside, and the teacher from the outside at the shell of the student’s limited understanding and ability to perceive the true nature of reality.

With a deep bow to the wisdom of that lineage, I suggest we borrow this image to better understand the process of change and transformation in general. Does change occur from the outside in, using external behaviors to alter one’s internal state? Or, does it originate from the inside out, changing one’s mindset to support choosing new behaviors?

Just as in the pecking metaphor, the short answer is both; we need upgraded, more effective behaviors as well as internal meaning-making shifts. And, particularly in the case of successfully shifting relational patterns, perspective leads the way."