"You may notice some changes in the newsletter! From here on out I am going to try something different, primarily as a way to free up time to work on a book, while continuing to provide helpful information to subscribers! I will start this month by offering self-contained articles every three months, written "in one sitting", that flow from my current thinking on a variety of topics. I will stop including additional resources unless I have one that I feel is very important to share, but you are welcome to download my Resource Sheet at any time to have access to many more. For more of my long-form articles that were previously published, please visit my Blog HERE.  I hope you enjoy this new format!"

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I have a childhood memory that includes watching, every Winter, the 1970 television holiday classic "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". It is a charming stop-animation film that explains, using the voice of a postman narrator, why Santa has whiskers, lives at the North Pole, and brings children presents once every year. 

In the film, there is a wonderfully catchy song called Put One Foot In Front Of The Other that I have always loved for its simplicity and for its message of patience and determination. The song describes how we can get through any door we want to if we are willing to just put one foot in front of the other. 

If only it were that simple!

Relationship books are sort of like this song--making change sound easy, as though it were simple a matter of moving forward, step by step. This is one of the reasons these books sell at the rate of millions each year. We like easy answers, don't we? But what is often not so appealing is the reality that what makes something easy can also make it difficult. Putting one foot in front of the other is indeed simple, but only if we are willing to move from where we are at to a place that is somewhat unknown. That is the part that can be difficult.

The books don't always tell us that, though.

My main work as a therapist is to help individuals and couples, who are willing, to make the changes they want to make--I help them to notice, identify, and clear the obstacles in the road. A relationship book can alert you to common obstacles (trauma, substance abuse, mental illness, financial stress, etc.), but since they are written for the masses there is no way for them to be specific to your obstacles, or your intended goals. 

This does not mean that they don't have value, but I suggest reading them with the point of view that they offer approaches to change, not change in itself--they offer theories, not answers. Perhaps the most helpful thing relationship books offer is validation that you are not the only one wanting a better relationship, or the only one struggling to have one! This in itself can decrease the shame that often accompanies problems, and inspire real action and change. 

My recommendation is to use individual and/or couples therapy to aid you in applying the suggestions you are drawn to. There are many great books about how to be in a successful relationship, but as many experts will tell you, the suggestions are no good to you if you don't have access to them when you most need them!