Happy Saturday ,
It was my first middle school dance, 6th grade to be exact, and I had a crush on a girl named Kristina. My plan was to dance so well with others that she would find me irresistible and would want to dance with me- without me having to actually say anything. Some things never change…probably because I’m a Libra… :)
Well, the dance between her and I never happened. In fact, as the dance came to an end and the lights turned on, I found her near the water fountain. I walked right behind her and…FROZE! I just stood there staring at my opportunity to make my feelings and intentions known, but I choked.
Here I am now revisiting this story, thinking about what could have been. Trust me, my life took the direction it was supposed to take, and I got the courage to approach (ahem) other “opportunities”, but this story of my fear of being rejected unveils an age-old problem many of us face. I was too concerned about what if she says, “no”?
Speaking from my vantage point now, I strongly encourage you to take the risk and strive to take nothing personally. How much more of yourself could you show to the world if you didn’t care about its response? What things could you conquer if you were simply unafraid of how people would respond?
I STILL wrestle with this today - not speaking up or voicing my thoughts - because of the fear of being rejected by another. I know I’m not alone. In my coaching business I meet with clients time and time again that struggle with the same issue. It’s human to want to be accepted by the communities we believe we belong to. We shrink ourselves, hold our tongue, alter responses, and avoid conflict in order to “control” a desired outcome that’s often informed by
our need to be wanted and accepted.
As a leader, business owner, family member, and friend, the following help me continue to gain confidence to be unapologetically myself:
1. Define us, it does not!
Rejection should not be deemed an indictment of who we are. If you are turned down by a person in the dating scene, a friendship comes to an end, you’re unexpectedly fired from a career, or you didn’t get the promotion you wanted, you cannot declare yourself incompetent or unworthy. People are all filtered differently, meaning that they see the world according to their experiences. All of our life events shape us into who we are. We cannot let our self-worth hinge
on the opinion of anyone – pssst…even if you like what the person is saying about you. It’s still their perspective. You get to define how powerful and courageous you are with or without an audience of support. People’s perspectives are their truth, not yours.
2. Learn from the Data!
In the moment at the water fountain, I learned that I was scared to talk to a girl I found attractive. When faced with something I liked or wanted, I let fear control if I would experience it or not. I didn’t want to have to be vulnerable, judged, or rejected. I came to the school dance to dance with Kristina, and that mission was not accomplished.
As resilient leaders, we have to ask ourselves, “What is this fear of rejection, in this moment, teaching me?” You have the capacity to withstand pain, sadness and rejection. It will not break you, nor does it define you, but it does come with information. We must turn rejection, and the fear associated with it, into an opportunity to grow and get better. It’s not about whether I had the courage or not to ask her to dance, but about having the resilience to ask for
what I want, no matter the outcome. Rejection can be one hell of a teacher.
turn the volume up on the voice that matters, yours!
