Trigger Warning: cheating

Hi ,

You ever have those dreams that feel SO REAL? Like you wake up and it seems like you lived a completely different life? 

Well, that happens to me a lot actually. 

And my dream last night triggered this feeling of betrayal and the frustration of not having an outlet to express it.

And it felt so familiar...

It unlocked a distant memory. 

I was transported to a time back in college where I was at the gym with my then boyfriend (toxic toxic toxic) and we were on the stationary bikes cooling off. 

I was counting down the minutes until he was going to make up some lame excuse to leave because I knew that the girl he was cheating on me with had invited him to a basketball game that night at 6:30pm. 

He didn't know that I knew though. 

His phone kept buzzing, the time kept ticking down, and he didn't leave. 

He then turned around and looked at me and said, "see babe, I had plans tonight, XYZ invited me to a game but I didn't go because I chose you!" 

And he had the DUSTACITY to smile cheekily at me.

The thing is, I had just found out earlier that week that he was seeing another girl. I already had this inkling that something was off so I snooped through his phone and saw the texts and facebook messages, but I felt like I couldn't say anything because I didn't want to admit that I looked through his phone...

So I kept my mouth shut and started looking for hard evidence until I found proof on her Instagram (by logging onto one of my besties accounts who follow her) and saw that he had given her the same exact handmade chocolate dipped tuxedo strawberries.

I felt so sad for the woman I was because I really wished that in that moment that mf said that, that I would have encouraged him to go to the girl and the game and become her problem, not mine.

That I would have washed my hands clean of him and went on with my life.

But instead... regardless of how heartbroken I was, part of me was so happy, proud, and victorious that he "chose" me. 

That's what's twisted.

Now if you asked me back then if I loved myself, if I treasured myself -- I would have told you that I did.    

Because I truly believed that I did. 

I couldn't see how my actions were not in my best interest or for my own good because I thought if I got what I wanted (which was him), then I was giving myself love. 

Add in a bit of stubbornness and the unwillingness to give up, and you got yourself a recipe for disaster. 

When I say that this man ruined my life, I also mean that I allowed this man to ruin my life. 

All my friends from that period of time remember how depressed, irritated, snappy, and unhappy I was. Not to mention obsessive... I couldn't stop talking about my relationship problems to anyone who would listen. 

Yet I didn't want to break up. 

Because "I loved him" when in reality, I wasn't strong enough to leave him.

So when I tell you girls that you have to focus on yourself first and heal before you get into a relationship is because you need to learn how to emotionally regulate and also how to be emotionally disciplined. 

You need to practice how to choose yourself over and over again so that you know how to prioritize your needs and your wellbeing. 

Because we can try our best to date the right men and be in the right relationships but the truth is, we really don't know how things will turn out.

And sometimes, when things don't work out, you have to be strong enough and know when to walk away. 

That requires firm boundaries, a strong sense of self-respect, confidence, and courage to be like "yea I'm done with this BS, goodbye"

That's why your friends are important.

That's why having your own money is important.

That's why self-love is important.

That's why your self-concept is important.

You can't neglect yourself or allow a relationship to take that away from you. 

Love you,

Nadeen xx.

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