,
I remember the day I was bawling my eyes out on my sofa at home.
My hand was on my chest trying to soothe my breathing but I just couldn't stop crying.
I had everything I thought I was suppose to have in life.
I graduated from UC Berkeley, had a six-fig tech job, a rich boyfriend, got to
travel the world, fun social life, and loving parents.
And yet…
I had never felt more lost and unfulfilled!
Everything I did, every action I took, left me questioning my life more and more.
I was exhausted and depressed.
I had always been the “I don’t need your help, I got it” type of girl.
The one who was the planner and mom of the group.
The go-to
person who had all the answers.
I made sure everyone else was happy even at the expense of my own happiness and desires.
My relationship at the time wasn’t great though.
Even though he was wealthy, he was very very stingy towards me.
As if being heavy in my masculine in the workforce wasn’t enough, I had to do it at home too.
I had to take the lead in our relationship and mother
him.
And then, I'd be so resentful and upset that he wouldn’t lift a damn finger or put in any effort.
But that is to be expected when you're dating a man in his feminine receiving energy.
And after much inner work, I figured out why I gravitated towards these kinds of men.
It was actually because of my
childhood.
I grew up not having any emotional space for myself.
I had to always observe and watch my mother's mood because it always felt like the wrong move would set her off and she would get angry.
So I did what I could to make sure she got what she wanted, she was in a good mood, I did what she wanted, I reacted the way she wanted so that I wouldn't have to deal with her temper.
It
didn't matter if I wanted a birthday party, if she said no - it was a no. If I cried or tried to negotiate with her, I got the asian mom special.
It didn't matter if I was sad that all my friends were having a playdate and I couldn't go - if I showed that I was sad, I got the asian mom special.
So in a way, I got use to feeling like my feelings and my needs just weren't that important as long as the person I was with was happy.
If they were happy, I felt like I did my job.
I wasn’t even aware of how self-sabotaging my behavior was until I began my healing process.
In that process, I noticed how my mind was always like, “Nadeen, it doesn't matter what you need. It doesn't matter how you feel. You don’t deserve the things you want because you are not special.”
Now, I won’t say my healing journey is complete as we are always a
work in progress.
But everything I once thought I was unworthy of...
I now have.
And the most special thing I have now is how much I truly love and admire myself - not in an arrogant or stuck up way...
Just truly feeling confident in who I am, believing in myself, and knowing how amazing I am as a person - as a lover, a friend, and a daughter.
I am not one to tell you that you are not
your past...because you are.
And most of our present reality and future self depends on our past because those experiences and thoughts are what shapes us.
Having the perfect hair & makeup, a gorgeous body, adorned with expensive clothing and jewelry might look great on the surface…
But if the scars from the past are unhealed… your true self comes out in your behaviors & you’ll never get what you
want in life.
If I showed you a picture of who I was, you'd never think I was this girl operating heavily out of my masculine.
You'd have no idea what I was going through in my life or in my relationship.
But if you talked to me or saw how I behaved, you would have seen it so clearly.
Your mindset, the story you tell yourself (and others), and how you think are the biggest parts of your
glow-up.
And if you want to heal from your past and level up to change who you are >>> check out this training.
