I recently spoke to a friend who is concerned about her tendency to judge her partner’s behavior. (Sound familiar? Is there someone you tend to judge?)
As she became curious about what was behind this pattern, she had an illuminating insight. Every time she felt the urge to judge him, she realized she was experiencing an unmet need along with hurt and anger.
Now she knew what was driving her criticisms of him.
Can you see how useful this insight is? Her focus shifted entirely from her frustrations about her partner to the tenderness and vulnerability of her own inner experience.
Instead of judging, she breathed with the emotions and gave them the space to be present. Instead of sitting in the painful story of an unmet need, she began to reflect on wise ways to be with that pain.
Are there times when people trigger you? If you’re living and breathing, if you woke up this morning to a new day in this human life, the answer is undoubtedly, “Yes.”
So let’s see how we can find our way from frustration to peace, from tension, taking things personally, and being right to ease and openheartedness. Because the way out of suffering is always possible.
Please Change So I Feel Better
First, let’s realize that when we don’t explore our own inner experience, our attention goes outward toward the other. We blame and want others to change so we feel better.
Chris wants his partner to not ask so many questions so he can feel less stressed. Jenna wants her husband to not throw his clothes on the floor so she can be less frustrated. Joe wants his coworker to stop talking so much so he won’t feel bored and irritated.
When we want others to change, we’re giving up our peace and happiness to something we can’t control—other people’s behavior.
When our attention goes to the other and not toward our own reactions, we’re actually contributing to disharmony and divisiveness. We end up feeling like a victim. Unaware of the inner experiences that are driving us, we gossip, criticize, fight, manipulate, blame, leave, and rationalize our opinions to ourselves and everyone else.
But another choice is available. Rather than spinning in stressful stories about other people, we can turn toward our own experience with curiosity, love, and care.
The Invitation to Look Within
Our annoyances with others offer a beautiful invitation into our own experience. And this is the treasure that challenging people bring us. They are a mirror that reflects back to us our own inner walls and unexplored emotions.
If you lash out at your partner in anger, you might realize you’re also sad or afraid. If you put demands on your children, maybe you feel helpless or scared, triggered by events from your own history. If you criticize your partner, maybe you need some time alone to reconnect with yourself.
Take any stressful interaction, and like a trail of breadcrumbs, follow your reaction back into yourself to untangle it. I guarantee your discovery will be illuminating.
- Start by asking yourself, “Now that I’m triggered, what is my inner experience?” Slow down, take a breath, and see what wants to be revealed.
- Notice the story that’s running in your mind about what should and shouldn’t happen.
- Feel into the effects of judging and thinking you’re right.
Turn toward any feelings you’re aware of, and welcome them fully with kindness and love.
Once you stop seeing others through the veil of your own resistance, you may be surprised to find understanding and compassion—for other people as well as yourself.
Remnants from the Past
Often, the strong feelings that arise in our current interactions echo an unresolved relationship from our past.
If you were criticized by an overly demanding parent, it won’t take much for a boss correcting your work to seem like a tyrant in your eyes. If you were neglected as a child, you may feel like you’re five again when a friend calls to cancel plans at the last minute.
Any reaction that seems too intense for the situation has probably triggered some old, undigested feelings.
What to do with these emotions that come to light? Love them with all your heart. Over and over, turn toward the tender, young parts of yourself and embrace them with love and care. In the spirit of wisdom beyond your limiting conditioned patterns, offer the space for everything to come out of hiding...
There’s a saying that things don’t happen to you, they happen for you. The challenges in our relationships are an offering, a gentle tap on the shoulder to remind us to open to the ways we get caught. What can we learn when these tender places are triggered?
It’s a holy movement when we turn our attention away from the other and into ourselves. Then the magic starts to happen.
