“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
~Buddha
Dear ,
Note: All are welcome to our next Coming Home Together online gathering on Wednesday, June 29 focusing on Five Core Practices for the Path of Awakening. To register, please click here. I look forward to being with you!
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If you're truly interested in living the freedom that you know is possible, take a look at all the ways you keep yourself separate from it.
And for some of us, one of those ways is to live in regret of our past actions.
Here’s the scenario. Whether you intended to or not, you’ve done something that hurt someone else or yourself, and you just can’t let yourself off the hook. You can’t stop repeating the story of what you think you did wrong in your mind, convincing yourself that you’re damaged and unworthy.
It’s like you’ve created a movie of what happened, and you keep pushing play—over and over. And the images of what you did and the choices you made recycle in your mind nonstop.
If this is what’s happening for you, something needs to change for you to come to peace. If you continue to punish yourself and believe that you’re bad to the core, you’ll live in this shame forever.
So how to release yourself from the prison of feeling badly about your past actions? How to stop being hijacked by thoughts about what you should have done?
There’s no easy fix, no magic suggestion that will take away all the pain. But there’s much for you to consider and practice to begin to move toward peace.
Be Open to Peace
If you’re stuck in shame and self-blame, see if you can find at least a sliver of openness to explore the possibility of finding peace within.
Imagine seeing your life 5 or 10 years into the future. Do you still want to be feeling the shame you’re feeling now? If not, then contemplate the possibility of finding a way through it. You've suffered enough already.
Understand and Accept
If you keep repeating the story about what you shouldn’t have done, you’re resisting the facts of what happened. No amount of wishing will change the past. The invitation then is to accept what happened and do your best to understand why things unfolded the way they did.
Maybe you were caught in a moment of unconsciousness. Maybe you weren’t thinking clearly because you were taken over by a pattern from your childhood to protect yourself or seek attention or approval. Maybe fear or anger was in charge when you did the things you regret. Take your time to go inward and see what you discover.
No matter what happened, accept the facts with compassion and understanding. Know that we all get caught in emotions and unconscious patterns and couldn’t have done any better at the time. And now you have a tremendous opportunity for growth and freedom.
Bring Kindness Toward Yourself
The story of regret is filled with self-judgment and self-criticism. These are extremely harsh ways of treating yourself in your mind and will keep you stuck. Start to tell yourself that right now, if you don’t listen to your mind, you are okay—and it's okay to feel that way. You’re here, breathing.
Notice the feelings that are present. Find some space from the story they tell you and create a field of tenderness that welcomes all that arises. Breathe with the sensations in your body as they come and go.
Be an understanding friend to yourself rather than a judge and enemy.
Make Amends
Do whatever is necessary to make amends. This brings the focus from your thoughts about yourself to the other person and the relationship. Acknowledge the pain you feel, then apologize, return goods or money, listen deeply to what the other wants to share, or somehow make it up to those who were hurt as best as you can.
And if you can’t do that in person, write a letter even if you don’t send it or have a friend role play with you so you can say the words of apology. Create a ritual that lets you say, “I’m sorry,” and feel it in your bones.
Learn from Your Experience
When you look beyond the pain and regret, you’ll realize that you’ve learned some valuable life lessons. Be clear about what these are and live them. This is the essential step that sets you free because it changes the way you show up in the world.
Know what your values are and step up into acting in alignment with them. Make conscious choices from a place of wisdom, compassion, and understanding for yourself and others.
Even if you’ve messed up in a big way, you don’t have to hold onto the pain forever. Let the moments of your life be a testimony to conscious living and deep compassion for the suffering of all.
Note: Our focus for the next Coming Home Together online gathering on Wednesday, June 29 is on Five Core Practices for the Path of Awakening. These are practices I introduced in my book, Suffering Is Optional. Please click here to register. All events are open to everyone, and a recording will be sent out. I would love to see you there!
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