• You
can’t feel happy unless
others respect, love, or
approve of you;
• You're waiting for someone to
apologize so you can be at peace;
• You think your contentment in life depends on the right job, relationship, or
family situation;
• You expect
other people to listen to and understand you—and you get upset
when they don’t.
Unpacking the experience of attachment, here’s what we realize. We’re caught in a story of what we lack—waiting and hoping for a particular
outcome—and if we don’t get it, we’re disappointed, frustrated, or dejected.
We end up feeling like a victim, putting our precious happiness in the hands of something we can’t control—what other people say or do and the circumstances of our life situation. Sound familiar?
So how to find freedom from being attached to outcomes you can’t control?
If you want to be happy (and who doesn’t?), let’s bring a fresh perspective to the struggle with attachment. And it has to do with opening fully
to what is arising in our own present moment experience.
As Einstein wisely said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
The
new level of consciousness that is needed is to forget about looking out to the world, hoping to get the love or apology you think you need. That’s how being attached is rigid and limiting.
Instead, turn your attention inward to your inner experience to be curious about what’s actually arising in you. Then you’ll
notice opportunities for compassion, understanding, and freedom.
Because the sense of being stuck is actually in you, and not in the circumstances of the world outside of you.
Look to your thoughts to identify the story you’re telling yourself about what you’re missing that you think you need. This is the core of the attachment—and the story, playing like a loop in your head—that reflects back inside to ignite the feelings of sadness, frustration, and despair.
If you’re focused only on the outer circumstances, all you will notice is what you aren’t getting and the sense of lack that brings. But turn your attention inward, and worlds open up. You’ll find emotions and feelings in your body that are waiting for your loving attention.
Notice the emotional pain
you’ve been living with of not getting what you think you need. For many of us, it points to a younger part—the sorrow of you as a child who didn’t get the love and care you needed.
Now you’ve discovered the underlying root of the problem—the emotion that’s been lying here unexplored. Be aware of it, love it, breathe with it, and
let it be present. This is how the knot of the attachment starts to soften.
You stop justifying the pain and waiting for someone to change to find resolution…and instead form a friendly and loving relationship with your own experience. In turning toward the longing for something you don't have, you’ll find that the inner peace
you’ve been searching for is available now.
And you might even notice new options appearing—inspired by compassion—for how to meet the other person or situation that was previously the source of your trouble.
It’s an incredibly kind way to be.
The painful feeling of not getting what you think you need will probably return many times, but each time is an opportunity to lovingly welcome your inner experience.
Being attached to an outcome you can’t control creates division that reinforces the idea that you’re separate and lacking—and it just doesn't feel good. Turning toward what arises in you invites a return to wholeness that includes everything.
Instead of living in lack, you discover acceptance, celebration, and the simple joy of being alive.
