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I don’t know anyone who has come out of their childhood without some form of conditioned pattern. No matter how well-intentioned our caregivers, at some
point, we’re not fully seen or met. Some of us grew up feeling the absence of this nurturing connection for years.
Without that needed attunement, we’re left struggling to figure out what to do with the emotions we experience. We try to find ways to cope when we don’t feel safe with others or within ourselves.
Not having the experience of being seen and heard for who we are is at the root of just about all human psychological struggles. We’re busy trying to stay afloat as we separate from the felt sense of being here and alive. We feel we don’t have the right to be.
As a result, we do our best to come up with strategies to help
ourselves. Some of us develop a harsh inner critic that tries to keep us in line. Others abandon ourselves to make sure we meet the expectations of those around us. We rebel, hide, and withdraw trust in ourselves and the world.
The good news is: it is possible to reclaim our essential wholeness. But how do we find it? How do we weave together the split off
parts of ourselves to discover the unity beyond all things?
One powerful way is the simple practice of holding space for what arises in us…the practice of presence.
I write a lot about welcoming our experience, and there’s a
reason why. If you’re interested in being at peace with what is, then it helps immensely to practice it. If we grow up not feeling at home in ourselves, we’re used to resisting. We want things to be different, or we think we’ll finally be happy in the future if only something changes.
We’re afraid of the truth of our present moment experience and don’t know
how to just be.
Practicing being present with what is ends the inner war with our stories, expectations, judgments, and emotions. Then we’re primed to discover the deeper truths about reality.
How to practice presence? Turn
your attention inward to what is actually here right now. Then fully accept all that you discover as it is.
I recommend an ongoing practice of opening to what appears in your body. When we’re not fully met as children, our emotions go outside of conscious awareness and get stuck in the tissues of the body. Our attention goes up into our minds, doing our best
to figure out how to cope in difficult situations.
Opening to the body offers these suppressed emotions the safe space to come into the light of awareness. As we allow the physical sensations and energies to be, we’re offering to ourselves just what was missing when these experiences first arose years ago.
We needed someone to attune to us, to follow our explorations, to acknowledge our subtle expressions. In the study of early trauma, it’s called by the tennis metaphor “serve and return.”
The child reaches out, and the parent touches their hand and says enthusiastically,
“You’re reaching out right now!” The child starts playing with blocks, and the parent says, “Now you’re putting the red one on top of the blue one.” The child cries, and the parent acknowledges the emotion.
There is unconditional, loving acceptance for all that arises.
What is so helpful to know is that we have the capacity to attune to ourselves in the same way. We get to give ourselves what we missed out on. We don’t distract by going into stories, we don’t follow the habit of resisting by wanting our experience to change or disappear.
With great interest and precision, we stay here, acknowledging all that arises
simply by giving it our attention.
We consciously let ourselves do what consciousness is always doing.
Consciousness is the formless vibration of life from which all forms arise. It is the boundless openness that just is, resisting nothing.
We lovingly take our stand here as we rest in the open space of pure being. Then whatever wants to come is free to be.
In this practice of presence with the body, have no expectations, as they limit the space you hold. All sensations can come—familiar
sensations of the breath, the subtle contraction in your right hip, tension in your skull. They can stay or go. They can change or not. None of this is your business, as your only job is to stay as the open allowing space.
As you are aware of the body, anything can happen. Memories may appear, more sensations may open, you notice areas that feel numb, you fall
into silence… Just stay as the space for all of it.
Let what wants to happen happen with no limitation. Marinating in this deep acceptance, be open to the wonder of infinite possibilities.
For some of us, this practice of
presence is too hard to do on our own at first. If that’s the case for you, find a professional or group who can support you as the difficult emotions appear.
And just as we find the right dose of a medicine, you may benefit from dosing this practice. Maybe stay with it for a few minutes. If it starts to feel overwhelming, stop and do something else, then come
back when you feel more stable.
Practicing presence is essential to integrating our experiences of early trauma—and there’s more. We need to study our patterns so we can spot them, experiment with new ways of responding, and experience the freedom that comes when the veils of our old mindsets fall away.
It’s liberating to feel fresh in the world, innocent like a newborn, with resources and skills to carry you through the hard times.
Lovingly practice presence by opening to things just as they are. You’re embodying kindness, ease, and the deepest peace beyond
imagination.
Sending much love...🧡
Gail
Note: You are welcome to
join our next Coming Home Together online gathering on Wednesday, April 10 from 9-10:30am Pacific. Come and immerse yourself in loving community as we open to: Tender Inquiry Into Early Trauma Patterns. Please click here for details and registration.
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