HSOL 198: WHO ARE YOU, REALLY?

Published: Wed, 09/22/21

Edition 198: WHO ARE YOU, REALLY?

SEPTEMBER 2021

1448 words of content, including a reminder that Trust requires Authenticity, two exercises, and a poem – and an invitation to craft a new story. Approximate content reading time: 5.79 minutes, and isn’t your Happiness worth it?

This newsletter speaks to Leadership, Happiness, and Coaching in your life and work. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Picture of Jim at 7 years old on the left, Picture of Jim today on the right

WHO ARE YOU, REALLY?

First things first, so you stop wondering. Yes, the handsome lad on the left is me, age 7. My mom had to deal with eight kids, and I was NOT an easy child to raise. I’m pretty sure the only reason she did not act on her threat (“I swear I’m gonna sell you to the Gypsies next time they pass through,” was a common curse when we behaved badly) was because I was so impossibly cute.

I digress.

We Are Our Stories

In past issues I’ve shared some of my learning as I explore what it means to be a white Euro-ethnic male in a global system that affords me privilege and power just because of WHAT I am. I believe this is an important journey for me as a Coach, a Leader, and a Happiness expert because those roles require me to be someone WHO is authentic and empathetic.

Coach: Knowing and honoring who I am is a pre-requisite to being Authentic, and “seeing” others in their fullness helps me empathize so they feel fully listened to.
Happiness: Living more authentically also supports access to Happiness, Joy, Contentment, and other desirable emotions.
Leader: There is a direct correlation between people’s perception of “authentic” and the degree to which they feel safety and trust in a relationship.

One consequence of recent social shifts combined with the pandemic and the reorganization of work is that many people have new expectations of both their organization and their direct manager/boss/leader. Before, they considered a great boss an exception and felt lucky to have one. But now, they expect – nay, demand! – a much higher level of authenticity, empathy, leadership competence, care, and attention to their psychological safety.

If the “story” about you as a leader does not fit that expectation, you’re not going to do well in this new reality. You will have to give more attention to who you are as a real, whole person AND be curious about the real, whole person that is everyone on your team.

You see, no one cares about your title. What they care about is how you make them feel. Whether you treat them with dignity and respect. The degree to which you honor all of who they are as human beings, not just their current role. They care about your story.

Part 1: A Different Story

As I’ve wrestled with my own identity/story/Brand, I was called to participate in a team-building retreat with fellow board members of a global organization that has declared a powerful Stand in the space of Inclusion and Belonging. To prepare for the retreat we had two assignments: to write and share a Cultural Bio and to write an Origin Poem.

While a Professional Biography – what you’ll find on LinkedIn – is useful, it’s generally about WHAT we are, not WHO we are or what made us that. After reading some samples, I tried my own. It took me a few minutes to write, then a week to edit to 125 words or less. How do you explain who you are in such a small space?

So here’s the first exercise. Read this, then the questions that follow.

Jim’s CULTURAL BIO

Skinny white German-Irish kid who grew up in an economically-challenged Catholic and ethnic suburban community with eight siblings, where hand-me-downs was the norm and everyone’s grandparents were “from the old country.” Struggled with both depression and sexual identity. Suicide survivor. Heart-attack survivor. First in his family to graduate university, he built a multi-hued and international family through birth and adoption, learning along the way how to advocate for those with differing abilities. Proud that he has always sought to raise up strong women both in his sons/daughters and in the workplace. Situational vegan. Loves to dance, garden, and curate dark beers. Owns 17 ways to make coffee and loves to talk to strangers.

What shifts for you when you read the above versus my LI profile? Yep, the same thing happened for me relative to my fellow board members. I SEE them in a new context and from a place of vulnerability.

What might happen for you if you were to write and share your Cultural Bio with your team, your boss, your peers? Does the idea excite or terrify you? No judgment, just notice. What does your reaction tell you about how truly open and authentic you are? Need to be?

Part 2: The Origin Poem

The second exercise -- a fill-in-the-blanks worksheet -- took far longer to complete and required that I decide which memories really define me. ‘twas a mostly positive and joyful exercise. I’ve uploaded instructions here if you’d like to try it (Word file)

Again, notice what happens in you as you read this poem.

Where I’m From

I am from James Arthur Thomas Smith Junior.

I am from a loud-talking big-noisy family that revels in embarrassing new dating partners
by quizzing them on who’s who
among the 53 people they just met.

I am from hand-me-downs and patches and
working three jobs to pay my own tuition and
duct tape to extend the life of my tennis shoes.

I am from corned beef and cabbage and
diet Pepsi and
homemade cocoa and
chicken wings when they were what the butcher threw away and
lots and lots and lots of
leftovers as hash.

I am from climbing trees and swimming in creek beds and touching frogs and
leaving the house in the morning and
getting lost on my bike and
coming home for dinner and
mom never noticing I was gone,
she was so tired
with all those babies.

I am from Connie and Billie and Melanie and Mama Roberts and
the babysitters who braved eight kids and
the community of Fordwick Rd moms who watched out for us, and
from all the young parents who reserved me early to babysit
because I knew how to change diapers
better than them.

I am from the monstrous weeping willow that spanned our yard with the big sitting-branch so high I could see all the way to the mall and
into all the other backyards
without being seen.

I am from bacon and eggs and popcorn and spaghetti with Ragu
and watching black & white TV and
trying desperately to understand football like my dad wanted me to,
but not caring about it at all
and wondering
what was wrong
with me.

I am from Pittsburgh and Cleveland and before that
“Irish need not apply” and
a different name that was traded away because the Nazis made it impossible for my father
to be German in America.

I am from Parma and the Heights, from Pleasant Lakes and
abandoned woods with ponds and frogs.

I am from “Life is for the living,” and
“don’t throw that away!” and
“put it in the junk drawer,” and
“you’re big and ugly enough to do yourself” and
“if you can reach the dial, you can do your own laundry,” and
“if you want it, find a way to pay for it.”

I am from vacations on the Jersey shore, then the Maryland shore, then The Grand Strand,
from science fiction and
maxed-out library cards and
pop tarts for breakfast eaten at my desk after daily Mass and
paper routes and
taking things apart and
putting them back together.

I am from a Catholic family,
a Franciscan formation,
a secular Jesuit tradition and
reading Armstrong’s “Islam: A Short History” on 9-11 and
the realization that we all worship the same god(s) by different names and
the bewilderment
that we kill each other
over who is being
the kindest.

I am from doubt and rediscovery,
from Search to Witness weekends to absence to finding comfort in rituals,
from departures to arrivals, and
from learning to live with
uncertainty.

I am from loss of
a brother and
a father and
a daughter;
from a place of grief and resilience,
from deep darkness and bright memories.

I am from place of many hugs and family dinners at a huge table and
always guests and big messy Christmas gatherings and
noticing what really matters,
of letting go of petty stuff and
what other people think.

I am from choosing happiness and
deep breaths, and
from not enough to
not good enough to
you are enough.

I am Jim Smith.

What’s your origin story? Where are you from? What are the broken pieces and the happy ones?

Who are you, really?

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who has the courage to share who they REALLY are, creating a safer space for others to bring a more authentic self to work. Leaders unleash potential.

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If you’re going to make a difference in the world, start with you. Post this summary of The 13 Principles of Happiness on your fridge or wall to remind you that every day, you have options.

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III. The Executive Happiness Coach®

Contact me if you want to know more or are interested hiring a (virtual) speaker for your event or for coaching in the domains of leadership, executive presence, and health/wellness for you or a member of your team who wants to GROW!

Also please forward or share with others. Thank you!

Jim Smith, PCC, is The Executive Happiness Coach®, a global player in the space of Executive Coaching, Keynote speaking, and rapid culture change.

For more tips on Leadership, Coaching, and Happiness, visit JimSmith.Coach and download my report on "The Ten Terrible Habits That Undermine Leadership...and what to do about them before time runs out."

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