The Fear of Life
I did the Looking four months ago, and after about a minute of the "honeymoon," I went straight into recovery. The early part was mostly filled with fear and my reluctance to drop my former spiritual studies. Once I got past that, everything began to settle into a steady pattern. Things would happen in my life, the usual day-to-day stuff we all have to deal with, and I would
react in my "normal" neurotic, fearful way. Except now everything was different. My reactions seemed uncalled for, and I could see that I had better choices, both in the way I react to things and how I resolve problems.
During this period, it seems as though more stressful situations than usual are popping up, so this is a good chance for me to put Self-Directed Attention into practice (I do the breathing/counting twice a day, but I am referring to switching my attention in real life situations).
To me, JOL is about growing up. And it's about time, since I'm 75! What I'm realizing is that I've spent most of my life trying to avoid anything unpleasant or difficult (often with the excuse "I do not feel like it"), and the result of this is that I have been stagnating here, a prisoner in my own home, for several years. It is all so clear to me now, that my behavior was because of the
fear of life.
Here is another thing I have learned. If I do anything to try to escape the difficulties of the recovery period, which I believe operates automatically and irresistibly, it backfires. I am referring to pampering myself, hiding from my responsibilities, etc. What I am finding out is that there is no way around this. It is hard, it is unpleasant, and even scary sometimes, but I seriously
just have to suck it up and get on with the work.
This is undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me, and my gratitude to John and Carla is endless.
