It was what she often responded to me with.
"We'll see."
As a little
girl I took it to mean that my mother would be conferring with her inner sagacity, in order to make a prudent decision when I asked if I could have a sleep-over, or go to the park alone. But now I realize she was stalling.
Having entered, and passed though, those bursting-at-the-seams years of parenting young children, I cannot believe I survived. What committee thought
I was capable of life altering judgments? What screening process did I pass that granted me jurisdiction over nine vulnerable lives? Twins? Really? A special needs son? Even the singleton, neurotypical ones stretched my patience and tensile strength to their limits. Beyond, if I am honest.
My brother has had some high profile jobs, including placements that involved top
security clearance and a whole lot of stock options. But once he told me that he had imposter syndrome.
"Someone is gonna figure out that I am faking it. I don't really know what I am doing, and I am not worth this much money."
Lately, I feel
like most of us are hiding behind borrowed confidence. But there has been a shift. Rather than thinking I pulled off the great illusion of looking like I knew how to be a mother, or wife, or writer, it becomes obvious to me that the real miracles happened because of a much more capable Source.
Which is when I finally do see.
"Our free choice comes from our sense that we have life within us as if it were our own. God allows us to feel this way for the sake of our partnership with him. A partnership with God would not be possible if it were not reciprocal, and it becomes reciprocal when we act freely, and completely as if we were on our own." True Christianity 504,
Emanuel Swedenborg