I was not expecting either the content, nor my visceral reaction. The video called Ten Early Signs of a Spiritual Experience was one that touched me deeply. There is an inherent translation issue, when trying to
squeeze physical, much more so spiritual realities into those containers called words. But sometimes syllables are what we have to work with.
The speakers banter back and forth as they consider the book Journal of Dreams by Emanuel Swedenborg. I have not read it myself, and appreciate these cliff notes. But most of the points they explore are closer than my own
breath.
Swedenborg writes about the slippery distinction between wakefulness and sleep, being as I said a journal about dreams. This feels apropos to me as I alternately resist and embrace the chaplaincy program I am in which includes a sixteen hour shift in the wee hours. Being tired does render me more vulnerable, which can be both a sacrifice and a gift.
Tears are one of the cues described. These have surely been my companion both on the hospital floors and back in the classroom with my cohort as we tell stories. Gladness is one label for the connection with someone who is standing on heaven's threshold. It doesn't make sense, really, given the circumstances of disease, and separation. Yet there it is.
Shivers are a response that surprises me. When the conversation comes close to the bone, my body shudders, almost like a spirit is flexing against the limits of skin.
Near the end of the video, the two men lay out how confusing it all is. Like the haphazard piles in a
construction zone, the materials for spiritual growth look random. Really, God? I am a mom, technically, to adults who have left me far behind in any arena of language, design, technology, or strength. My weeks are a jig saw puzzle of sewing with children, composing stories, listening to people on the outer edge of their time on this planet, and doing laundry. How could these incongruous pursuits possibly fit together in a meaningful way?
I can neither explain, nor control it. But that is no longer necessary.