The Get Wrong Do Right Emotional Health Newsletter

This month: What we get wrong about Loneliness, why we get it wrong, and how to do it (the recovery) right. Plus book recommendations, the monthly poll and announcements.

What We Tend to Get Wrong about Loneliness

1. We think loneliness is most common among older adults but the loneliest cohort today are actually 18-30 year-olds. 
2. We don't realize how dangerous loneliness is. Chronic loneliness poses as big a risk to our long term health and longevity as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. In last month's poll 60% of you knew that but that number is much lower in the general population. Indeed, as per this new study, loneliness poses a risk for all adults . 
3. Loneliness traps us. We feel like nobody cares so we're extremely hesitant to reach out to the those who could make us feel connected (see my TED Talk for how I 'got loneliness wrong'). 

Why we get it wrong

1. We tend to think loneliness is about the quantity of a person's connections but it's about the quality. Loneliness is defined subjectively. What matters is whether you feel connected to the people around you (many lonely people are married or live with families and roommates). 
2. We evolved in nomadic tribes in which loneliness signaled that we were about to be kicked out (a death sentence). As a result, loneliness induces a strong physiological stress response that impairs the function of our immune system and increase our risk of illness, disease and an early death. 
3. Loneliness is associated with two perceptual distortions that discourage us from reaching out even though we need to do so:

Perceptual Distortion # 1

We believe the people who should care about us care much less than they actually do, and then we act in ways that are likely to reinforce that misperception.

For example, we believe that if our good friend really cared they would have realized we haven't spoken in weeks and reach out to us, so if they didn't, they must not care. So we wait for them to make the first move and feel more hurt and resentful when they don't--even though we haven't reached out either.

Perceptual Distortion #2

We undervalue our relationships and believe they're less satisfying or meaningful than they actually are and have been. 

We tell ourselves that they've changed, they don't have time for us anymore, or that things wouldn't be the same if we did get together. Then every passing day that we don't hear from them reinforces that perception--even if on their end, nothing has changed and had we reached out they would have gladly hung out.

How to Do Loneliness-Recovery Right:

To feel emotionally connected to those around us we need to have 'emotionally connective' interactions--conversations or experiences that reinforce our bond and/or rekindle the closeness we  once shared.

How to Connect Emotionally:

1. Have Meaningful Conversations:
When we're feeling lonely and hesitant we tend to default to small talk, which is emotionally safe but not connective at all. Connection only happens when we share feelings, reminisce about shared memories or discuss the relationship itself.
2. Share an experience (and discuss it).
You can also connect via 'doing' instead of talking as long as you discuss it or acknowledge the shared aspect (e.g., That was an intense movie, wasn't it? or It's fun watching the game together. 

3. Physical touch:

An affectionate shoulder-squeeze to a friend or taking your partner's hand on a walk or on the couch can create a mutual sense of connection.

4. Take these steps: 

To break free of loneliness you have to get serious because it will require  emotional discomfort and a sustained effort. 

(a) Make a list of people to whom you once felt connected or with whom you'd like to deepen your connection.
(b) Reach out to 1 person a day (e.g., It's been a while--let's catch up).

(c) Electronic communications do not convey tone so make sure your message is inviting. Adding a smiley face can help.
(d) Your goal is to have one 15-minute meaningful conversation each day.
(e) Don't forget to inquire about the other person. If you know the facts, ask about their feelings.

Reaching out when you're lonely requires a leap of faith:
When you're lonely, your gut will tell you not to reach out, that the other person isn't interested, and that it won't be worth it anyway--those are those two perceptual distortions talking. You need to correct for those inaccurate readings by acting despite the emotional discomfort involved. 

It takes courage to reach out when you're hurting:
Emotional health doesn't come easily. People might disappoint you and your feelings might get hurt again--but remember, your 'risk-estimation' is calibrated incorrectly and it's probably less risky to reach out to certain people than it feels. Still, it takes courage to risk further emotional pain so I, for one, will be proud of you for taking these steps and fighting for your emotional health.

Book Recommendations

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