The Get Wrong Do Right Emotional Health Newsletter

This month: What we get wrong about Rejection, why we get it wrong, and how to do it (the recovery) right. Plus book recommendations, the monthly poll and announcements.

What We Tend to Get Wrong about Rejection

The most common response we have when we get rejected is to become intensely self-critical. We review all our faults and shortcomings and call ourselves names, triggering further feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment. This is about as emotionally unhealthy a response as we could have and it can have lasting effects on our mood, self-esteem and emotional resilience. We need to stop doing it. 

Why we get it wrong

According to a recent study: The emotional pain we feel when we get rejected registers in our brains very similarly to physical pain. In other words, we are wired to experience rejection, practically any rejection, as a highly painful experience. Our mind responds to pain by trying to make sense of why it happened so we can avoid similar pains in the future, so we review our faults, inadequacies, and the 'mistakes' we (might have) made. And yet, more often than not, the rejection has more to do with the other person's issues, the fit, the timing, or the circumstance, than anything that's 'wrong' about us. So savaging our self-esteem adds no value. All it does is makes us feel bad and anxious about trying again.

Misunderstanding # 1

We believe the intensity of our hurt feelings are directly related to how much we care about the person who rejected us.

Nope. Or rather, not necessarily. Certainly romantic rejections can really hurt, but studies have repeatedly demonstrated that we're simply wired to experience all rejections as painful--even those in which the person who rejected us is someone we actually despise! [Those interested in the science of rejection can read about some of those experiments in the Rejection chapter in my book Emotional First Aid].

Misunderstanding # 2: 

We believe the damage to our mood, confidence, and self-esteem are caused by the rejection itself. 

Sadly, no. The majority of the harm to our self-esteem, confidence and mood is self-inflicted and occurs after the rejection when we indulge our mind's demand to become intensely self-critical. Doing so only deepens our emotional wound and makes it harder to recover emotionally and psychologically. 

How to Do Rejection-Recovery Right:

To feel emotionally connected to those around us we need to have 'emotionally connective' interactions--conversations or experiences that reinforce our bond and/or rekindle the closeness we  once shared.

Step by Step Guide to recovering from Rejection

The first priority is to soothe our emotional pain by reviving our self-esteem and self-worth because then we'll be in a better frame of mind to examine our own accountability and responsibility without becoming self-critical (e.g., I shouldn't have started that argument and not I'm such an idiot! Why did I start that argument?). The best way to revive our self-esteem after a rejection is to use self-affirmations.

1. Make a list of all the meaningful qualities you know you have that are valued by others (e.g., I'm emotionally available, supportive, I have beautiful eyes, easy going, etc... or if the rejection was in the employment domain: Strong work ethic, team player, great project manager, etc..)

2. Write about it: Choose one of the qualities you listed and write 2 paragraphs about why the quality is valuable, how it's been appreciated in the past or how it would be appreciated in the future, and why it matters (e.g., I have a radiant smile--when I flash my smile I almost always get a smile back, even from harried baristas and airport check in clerks. My ex said my smile lights up the room and penetrates straight to their heart. New people enjoy meeting me because my smile makes them feel seen and welcomed, etc...

3. Do this 1-2 times a day for a week or for however long you're still feeling bad about yourself.

The urge to be self-critical after a rejection is very strong so you'll need to be mindful and determined to resist it. For example, you might note that you were too eager and that you should have held back more--a useful note to remember for next time--but once you've identified that, repeatedly thinking of how stupid you were for being too eager is damaging and does not add any value.

Self-affirmations are effective in boosting self-esteem but positive affirmations are not: Positive affirmations (generic statements such as, "I'm beautiful and deserving of love!") do not boost self-esteem when you're feeling down because your mind won't believe them (after all, you just reviewed all your physical shortcomings) and they can even make you feel even worse. Self-affirmations, which are crafted by you and are based on your specific strengths, ring true and are therefore, far more effective.

Come up with explanations for the rejection that are about them not you: Make sure they're plausible--the other person wasn't over their ex, they weren't really looking for a relationship, they have commitment issues, they're disrespectful and immature (because they ghosted you), they're not emotionally available, etc...

Book Recommendations

  Lisa Damour Ph.D. The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents (Ballantine Books, Feb 21, 2023)

Lisa, co-host of the Ask Lisa-The Psychology of Parenting podcast, is the expert for parenting tweens and teens and this book is both practical and vital for parents. 

Guy Winch: How to Fix a Broken Heart (Ted/Simon & Schuster, 2018). 

Valentines Day is coming up and it's a hard time for those who are single and still think of the ex that broke their heart--so here's a short book that can help you recover even if it's been a while since the breakup.

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