The Get Wrong Do Right Emotional Health Newsletter

This month: What we get wrong about Anxiety, why we get it wrong and how what we could do it right. Plus book recommendations, the monthly poll and announcements. To subscribe click here.

What We Get Wrong about Anxiety

Anxiety is feelings of visceral dread from a percieved threat that is neither specific nor immediate (e.g., something bad will happen if I go hiking) as opposed to fear in which the threat is specific and immediate (e.g., there's a bear on the trail). What we get wrong is:

1. We don't distinguish it from worry or fear. Worry is far more common and less problematic so knowing the difference is important.

2. Anxiety makes us drastically overestimate the likelihood of very unlikely events happening (e.g., a fear of flying when planes are far safer than cars).

3. Anxiety makes us underestimate our ability to deal with the things that are causing us dread (e.g., anxiety about freezing when giving a presentation--which would be embarrassing and upsetting but survivable).

Differences Between Anxiety and Worry

In last month's poll, 32% of readers said they could not distinguish worry from anxiety. Two big differences are: (1) Because anxiety is vague and in the future (e.g., fear of flying), we can't do much to lower the perceived threat. Worry is about something specific going wrong (e.g., long lines at the airport causing us to miss our flight), so we can take steps to address it (leave earlier). (2) We typically feel anxiety in our bodies--tightness in our chest or churning in our stomach. Worry does not usually activate us viscerally--it's more in our heads and does not usually activate our fight or flight response.  

Misunderstanding #1

We believe that avoiding the thing that makes us anxious will help us feel less anxious 

The opposite is true. The more you avoid the anxiety provoking thing, the scarier and more intimidating that thing becomes in your minds because each avoidance registers like a close call (i.e., that the bad thing would have happened).  

Misunderstanding #2

We go straight to the worse case scenario and skip all the steps that would have to happen before we got there

We're anxious about starting a new job and think about how awful it would be to get fired during our first week. There's always a chain of events that has to happen for the worst case scenario to occur (e.g., a lot would have to go wrong during that first week) but we ignore that and focus on the dreaded ultimate outcome.  

When Does Anxiety Become a Disorder?

Anxiety is extremely common as are anxious periods. The question is the severity of the anxiety (i.e., how disruptive it is to your daily life), whether you feel it all the time and how long it's been going on. If you feel anxious most of the time and for several months, consider seeing a mental health professional or speak to your doctor.   ci

How to Manage Anxiety the Right Way

The first step in managing anxiety is recognizing it (making sure it's anxiety and not worry), identifying the feeling of dread and  the worse-case-scenario thinking. Then follow these steps:

1. Label it. Remind yourself that what you're feeling is anxiety and therefore, the negative outcomes that feel looming and inevitable are in fact unlikely and not immediate. Each time you feel anxious, tell yourself, 'this is anxiety' and therefore I have to question what my mind is telling me.

2. Decatastrophize: Remind yourself that the likelihood of the worse case scenario is very small and than many things need to go wrong before it occurs, each of which is also less likely than anxiety is making you believe it to be. 

3. Slow your breathing: Anxiety causes us to breathe in shallow and rapid ways which makes us feel even more anxious. Place one hand on your chest and another on your belly and breathe in slowly to the count of 4 (4 seconds--use a clock to count), hold your breath for 2 seconds, exhale to the count of 4, hold again for 2 seconds. Make sure to fill and empty your lungs and for your belly to extend on inhales so you're not breathing from your chest. Do this for 3 minutes at least.

4. Problem solve: Is there anything you can/should do to address the immediate issue directly? For example, if you're anxious about a presentation at work going badly--can you work on it further or practice more?

5. Distract: Check your breathing to make sure it's slowed and repeat the breathing exercise if not. Then try to resume what you were doing or to distract yourself away from the issue that's making you anxious by doing something that requires concentration. 22% of responders to last month's poll say they use this technique--great.

Over time, train yourself to label anxious thoughts with an inner tone, like you're catching someone trying to trick you--which is what anxiety does--so that it's easier to dismiss them.

Book Recommendations

Mark Brackett PH.D.: Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive (Caledon, 2019)

Mark Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. This best-selling book is not hot off the presses but it is one that's very much worth reading, especially for parents and those who seek to improve their emotional intelligence.   

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