How can you tell if your relationship is in trouble? Marriage counselors and researchers have been studying and writing about this for decades. It's no longer a mystery.
Therapists know that if the four things talked about in this article are going on, the relationship is in trouble. In fact, according to research from Dr. John Gottman, one of today's leading marriage experts, the following four signs that can predict if a couple is likely to break up with over 90% accuracy.
I've written about these four problems before -- Gottman calls these "The Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse" -- but this topic is so important that I'm addressing it again.
Here's the good news -- and why we need to keep talking
about this -- if you recognize these things happening, there are ways to address them.
Here are the four Marriage Killers:
1. Toxic Criticism
Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. Critique and complaint are about specific issues, whereas criticism is overtly attacking somebody, or more subtly casting doubt on their character or personal attributes. In
effect, when you criticize, you are dismantling their being.
It's important to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing:
Complaint: “I was scared
when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.” (Note that it focuses on the specifics of the behavior, not on the character or intent of the other person.)
Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are
that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!” (Note that it makes general and negative judgments about the person, rather than focusing on the specific behavior.)
The problem with criticism is this: When it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, deadlier horsemen to follow. It
makes the victim feel attacked, rejected, and hurt, and often causes both partners to fall into an escalating pattern ... building with greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, but when relationships are on the rocks, this horseman is nearly omnipresent. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.
Unfortunately, this strategy almost never works. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know
that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
This partner not only responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. Instead, a non-defensive response can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective:
“Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you
this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”
Although it is perfectly understandable to defend yourself if you’re stressed out and feeling attacked, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will almost always escalate the conflict, because the critical spouse
will in turn feel frustrated -- and maybe even defensive themselves. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner, and it won’t allow for healthy conflict management.
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one -- or both -- partners shuts down when feeling overwhelmed during conflict. In a discussion or argument, one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed.
Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.
To be clear, sometimes it's important and healthy to take a
break in a conversation, especially if it's escalating into something destructive. If a conversation is degenerating into an argument, by all means, take a break. Let yourselves cool off, and rethink what you and your partner are saying.
But -- and here's the key -- don't let this "break" last more than a day or two.
Commit to coming back to the conversation when you're in a better place. Continually saying "Let's not talk about this right now," is another form of stonewalling.
4. Contempt
Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological.
Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”
Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack
on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.
In Dr. Gottman’s four decades of research, he has found contempt to be the number one predictor of divorce. According to Malcolm Gladwell in his bestselling book, Blink: “If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.”
What If You Are Experiencing These Marriage Killers?
So what do you do if you are seeing these things happen in your own relationship? The answer is simple: GET HELP ASAP. Time does not heal. Problems like these -- if left unchecked -- usually just get worse. Ultimately,
if trends continue, this will result in one of two outcomes:
- A marriage that sucks ... where two people live together without any real intimacy, simply tolerating each other. Therapists refer to this as marriages where the partners "are living parallel lives."
- A divorce ... and all the pain and damage that causes.
Find a good marriage therapist to work with. Whatever it costs, it will be cheaper and less painful than divorce, and preferable to the emptiness and pain of living in a relationship devoid of love. See the update below about the work Charlene and I are doing to help couples in crisis. If that's you ... please get help somewhere.
Source: This article comes from articles on John Gottman's website, as well as a profile of Gottman and other marriage
counselors.