"To journey without being changed is to be a nomad. To change without journeying is to be a chameleon. To journey and be transformed by the journey is to be a pilgrim." --Mark Nepo
In the Renewed Man program, we're seeking to help guys build better lives by building the personal quality -- one of the "fruits of the Spirit" -- of SELF CONTROL. And ... we are especially challenging men to apply this quality of self control to their sex life.
Let's face it: MANY people (both in and outside of this program) have been deeply affected by the explosion of erotic content in the past 30 years -- on TV, in movies, on our phones and computers via social media and Internet sites. I have come to call this audio-visual digital stimulation a form of "artificial sex." This explosion is historically unprecedented, and has pushed many people beyond mere "problematic behavior" and
into full blown addiction.
While this is happening with artificial sex in our digital lives, addiction in all other forms is exploding as well, whether it's addiction to drugs, alcohol, food, video games, gambling, or person-to-person sex.
Why It's So Important to Talk About This "Struggle" as an ADDICTION
People
HATE to think of themselves as addicts ... especially to any form of sex. There's so much shame in this label! When I speak in groups about this, and when I work with men individually, I encourage them not to get hung up on what we call it. I am not interested in arguing with anyone about whether his problem fits the diagnostic criteria of addiction. Who cares what we call it?
What really matters is this feature of addiction
that applies to so many men: that you can't
JUST STOP by trying hard.
Maybe it's more accurate to say that, while you can stop for a while -- by exerting strong willpower -- you can't STAY STOPPED. You keep "falling off the wagon."
Many men have a hard time admitting to themselves that their "lust problem" how grown into an addiction. Rather than being able to control their sex drive (being able to moderate behaviors and resist things they know are detrimental) ... they have to admit that their sex drive now controls THEM.
That's a terrible place to be. Just as it's terrible to admit that drinking controls you ... or food ... or drugs ... or gambling ... whatever.
But ONLY when we recognize the
scope of the problem will we be willing to work deeply on ourselves ... and make ongoing efforts to change. Only when we get to this point will be willing to pay money to get access to experts who can really help us. Only when we face this as a deeply rooted issue will be willing to be honest with other brothers who can support us.
A man must reach the point where he admits that his problem is deeper than a simple behavior that only requires a simple habit fix. Or just "getting an accountability partner." Or just seeing a therapist.
No. He realizes that to get out of this, he has to
undergo DEEP change in his life. It's a revolution. He must become willing to let go of things, and try things that he would not have expected he'd have to start and to stop.
Recovery is About What You ADD
to Your Life ... and PURPOSE is on this List
This brings us to KEY 10, which is about deeply reevaluating our lives. It's about committing ourselves to a deep PURPOSE. In other words ... keep this in mind -- maybe even memorize this. Let this be your mantra:
Recovery is about addition,
not just subtraction
It's not simply about your life being "the same as it ever was" just MINUS porn use, or drinking, or whatever. No. It's about adding other key things to your life. It's about adding more friendship. It's about adding layers of honesty. It's about adding fun activities and hobbies that are truly healthy and renewing. AND ... it's about adding a deeper commitment to some purpose or
mission.
What follows is an article from Duncan Andison on the addiction-focused website chestnut.org.
Andison points out the movement in recovery -- a movement essential for long term recovery: finding purpose. Here's how he puts it:
One of the existential turning points within the recovery experience is marked by the diminishment of backward sense making (What
happened to me?) and the increased urgency regarding one's post-sobriety future (Okay, what do I do now?). All manner of emotions feed this transition: release, relief, gratitude, unworthiness (survival guilt), remorse (guilt over past transgressions), a gnawing sense of emptiness, and, not uncommonly, a passion to help others similarly afflicted.
Many forces coalesce to push people out of addiction, but finding a higher purpose in one's life is a potentially powerful pull force within the process of long-term recovery. For many, that purpose is found in service to others.
For decades, I have observed this passion for service fulfilled through numerous outlets and I have guided many people into service roles within the addiction treatment and recovery support arenas. What I have discovered is that answering the "Recover to do what?" question is a very complex one that continues even once an arena of purposeful activity is discovered.
There are always tensions and continual changes that challenge staying within what is often a narrow zone of peak performance, peak contribution, and peak personal fulfillment.
We all search for meaning in what we choose to do with our lives, but many things can take us far from such a purpose. Material necessities of family and the socially-fueled drive for material wealth and professional status can lead us far astray by forcing us into jobs that limit our time and energy for more fulfilling activities.
What we find meaningful and fulfilling can change over time creating tension-filled mismatches between our needs and our current roles and activities. We can find ourselves in toxic work environments that undermine our ability to stay within that zone of meaning and purpose. And events outside our
control can deny or abort such opportunities.
IN other words: this "finding and devoting yourself to a meaningful purpose" is important work, and it takes effort and time ... and will likely evolve over time as you go about recovery.
