"We all need friends with whom we can speak of our deepest concerns, and who do not fear to speak the truth in love to us." - Margaret Guenther
Humans need community. We need to be part
of a healthy tribe … this is baked into our biology. Believe it or not, our neurochemistry actually changes based on our standing in our social group. As Christians we believe that we are made “in the image of God.” One aspect of that image is our deep need to connect. To know and be known.
This is as true for men as
it is for women. Women may be more verbal, they may be better at understanding and expressing their emotions, and they may do better at navigating relational dynamics than men. (All these gender differences seem to be up for debate these days, but I still think they’re fair generalizations.) But it doesn’t matter. Men need friends just as much as women do … maybe even more.
In all my years working with people who struggle with mental health -- especially those struggling with addiction -- there’s one common characteristic that seems to trump everything else: loneliness / isolation.
Loneliness and isolation is not
simply a matter of not being around people. Unless you're living on a deserted island, you're going to be around people these days, even if you try not to. But you can still be lonely. We all know that it’s possible to be lonely and isolated even when you’re surrounded by people ... when those people are simply casual acquaintances. We can have hundreds of “colleagues” and “associates” and “neighbors” … but no real friends.
And that’s exactly what most of us have. Out of over a thousand people I’ve worked with over the years who identified as addicted to sex or porn, I can only remember one or two who said they had good male friends. 998 said that they have a few people who are “sort of close,” but not really good friends.
You cannot make the journey towards mental, emotional, and spiritual health as a man without a band of brothers to support, encourage, and challenge you on. And … as you are hopefully getting by now, you cannot develop sexual self-mastery without developing mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
If participation in this program does nothing else for you, if it lights a fire under you to develop some meaningful friends, it will have been worth every penny. And if it helps you take steps toward that … and if you find guys in your accountability group that you click with and want to get closer to … all the better.
