The Renewed Man program is for men who want help in their marriages, and especially with their sex lives -- learning to be the master of our sex drive, rather than its slave. At the heart of the program is the recognition that we are
multi-faceted beings. Too many "sexual integrity" programs fail to take into account how deeply rooted our sexual struggles are, and how deeply connected our sex drive is to all the other dimensions of our lives.
Anyone can -- for a time -- stop problematic sexual behaviors ... if they put tons of
effort into vigilance and discipline. Anyone can -- for a time -- put a lid on something in their lives that's out of control. But this is not recovery. And it's not sustainable. Just saying no -- by adding new layers of guilt and accountability -- will not LAST. Eventually you will get tired of saying "no" to this thing that you really want, this thing that really meet needs that are not getting met in other ways.
For this reason, MOST men who struggle with sexual self-control in our world today only find a temporary reprieve -- not a lasting transformation.
The only way to build a lasting
transformation is address the core issues and struggles in our lives so we won't feel the need to always be tuning out and distracting ourselves with sexual content.
By the way, when I say "core issues," most people think immediately of early childhood trauma. And yes, early childhood trauma is an
essential issue to deal with ... but it's not the only one.
To that end, we focus on four key issues in men's lives today -- what we call "The Four D's". We need to build HEALTH into our lives in four areas, overcoming the four D's:
1. Relational Health -- overcoming the problem of Disconnection
2. Mental / Emotional Health -- overcoming the problem of Distress
3. Spiritual Health -- overcoming the problem of Disillusionment
4. Moral Health -- overcoming the
problem of Desire
Each of the 12 keys in the Renewed Man program relates to one of these struggles.
One common challenge in each of these areas is dealing with our
THINKING. Wrong thinking, intrusive thoughts, depressive thoughts, obsessive thoughts ... these get in the way of building health in ALL of these four areas. So let's talk about the thoughts that fill our minds as we go throughout the day.
Our thinking can either help us feel peace and joy, or it
can stir up anxiety and sadness. Moment to moment, we choose.
“We have so much more power over what’s going on inside of our brains than we have ever been taught.” - Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
Yes it’s true that racing thoughts can be bad, and a lot of times the dialog in our heads makes us more unhappy and stressed out … but the solution is NOT to try to quiet the mind. In fact, stilling the mind is impossible.
I once heard the meditation teacher Emily Fletcher say that our brains are a lot like our hearts in this sense: you can’t shut either of them off. The nature of your heart is to beat. You can’t get it to stop by trying really hard. So it is with our brains. It is the nature of our brains to generate thought. You can’t get your brain to stop.
What you can do is (a) allow it to slow down by doing things to calm your nervous system, and (b) exert some influence on the direction of those thoughts by choosing what to focus on and what to ignore. You can choose which thoughts to entertain and reinforce, and what other thoughts you simply reject or ignore, focusing on something else instead.
"You are not your thoughts. You are the observer and manager of your thoughts. You don't have to believe everything your mind tells you." - Najwa Zebian
Jenna Abdou is the creator and host of the podcast 33Voices, where she interviews a lot of neuroscientists and thinkers. She recently wrote an article with the following title, which contains the main point embedded in it: “Your inability to ‘quiet your mind’ isn’t due to lack of effort. It’s the wrong goal.”
The idea of “quieting the mind” only makes sense in that we can make our thoughts less urgent and frightening, but we can never
STOP our minds from thinking. Ethan Kross, professor and director of the Emotion and Self-Control Lab at the University of Michigan, puts it this way:
“This inner voice that we have is not something that we want to rid ourselves of. It’s something that we want to harness. The challenge is to
figure out if you find yourself slipping into the dark side of chatter. How can we minimize that and accentuate the more positive side of the inner voice?”
So what are you thinking about? At any given moment, you get to decide.
What Does Christian Teaching Have to Say About This?
These insights from contemporary researchers help us appreciate the teaching of Scripture. The idea of paying
attention to our thoughts, and exerting some measure of control over them is an important part of Christian teaching. We are called to be the masters, and not the victims, of our minds.
Paul says exactly this in Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
He would not tell us to do this if it
were not possible. We absolutely CAN control the things that fill our minds.
When we become aware of our thoughts, we can choose what to do with them — do we follow the random thoughts of our monkey mind, or choose to let those thoughts go ... and instead focus on something good, true, and excellent?
These decisions — made minute-by-minute — may be among the most important decisions of our lives.
