[X&Y] The Weirdest Way To Know If She's Right For You

Published: Fri, 04/26/24

Updated: Sat, 04/27/24

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WHAT'S INSIDE: "I miss her"... Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

The answer might not be what you think.

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READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS

As you read the letter below from Barry in the UK, you're likely to
be at least a bit amazed by his story.

Before diving into it, I have a mission-critical message for you.

Whatever you do, don't read Barry's message and think that it
somehow doesn't apply to you because you may not exactly be as
far along as Barry is right now.

Don't focus on that.

Instead, pay close attention to how Barry clearly mentions that he
was in pretty dire straits with women a while back.

Barry is a normal guy, just like you. But...he has done what
it takes to deserve what he wants with women and is reaping
the results nowadays.

I've done the same, and rest assured so can you.
So read on...and be encouraged.

Hiya Scot,

How you doing?

I wonder if you can maybe help me out for a sec. Could you give me

your take on something that's giving me sleepless nights? It's my

'sticking point' if you like.

I'm 45, completely reinvented myself from divorced wimp 5 years ago

to well, as you would put it, a guy that deserves what he wants

...and my question is...

How important is missing a girl when it comes to selecting
from the many options I have?

You see, I've gotten myself into the 'nice problem to have' of

having a several great girls pine for me, miss me every day and

generally do the chasing to take up my time to um...let's say

"provide them with the pleasures and social life they crave".

Remember when you had 3 great options before selecting Emily?

Well, I'm pretty similar... And my bottom line is I'm wanting to

select one and stop all this high activity.

But I have a problem in that I don't MISS any of them.

Now does this mean that none of these is the right girl?

Or does it just mean that because I'm now such an extremely

independent successful business guy that it's not surprising I

don't even need a great girl as a lifelong companion?

Yeah, I miss them a bit each but it's not that I can't live without

them and it doesn't bother me if one doesn't call because they

pretty much rotate evenly and fight for my time.

I realize too that they miss me daily, which is pretty easy (let's

face it) when we are all that they've ever wanted in a real man.

So that makes me wonder even more if it matters that I don't miss

them?

Where's the line here? Is missing them a lot just a female gender

specific thing?

Am I ok to just choose any one of them and start to exclude the

others and build a great life together ...or would I be settling if

I did that?

I'd love to hear your views any time you got a moment.

BTW, diving into The Master Plan now after being through The

Leading Man last week. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on

missing girls, and the importance to guys like us who are ready to

choose from his great options.

Warm regards,

Barry (aka "Confused in the UK")

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Hello Barry:

First of all, congratulations on achieving the level of success you
have with women. You are clearly a chooser rather than a chaser.

Now you've come to the point that few men believe is even possible.

Yet, like I did years ago, you're now finding that the complexities of
relating to women don't exactly go away when success comes your
way.

Rather, they simply evolve into different ones.

To give a simple answer to your central question, yes...how much
you miss a woman when she's not around matters very much.

And yes...that probably means that none of the women you are
currently seeing is the right woman to build a long-term
relationship with.

Yet, you're saying you're ready to select a great woman and move
away from the high level of activity that your busy dating life
involves.

For sure, a lot of guys would think you must be out of your mind,
but believe me I know. A wildly successful dating life can
eat you alive if you let it.

Seriously, being able to attract terrific women like that who want
to be with you all the time can start consuming all of your free
time.

This would include the time once spent going to the gym to get into
great shape, partaking in all those "interesting" activities that
intrigued women to begin with, and spending time with the friends
that earned you social status.

It can even start cutting into your sleep and even distract
you from giving your career the attention it deserves.

All of that spells D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R in general for your personal
life. And the irony is that the more "out of control" your dating
life gets, the less attractive you might become to women.

I'm betting you sense all of that already.

What I'm about to say may sound crazy to a guy who hasn't gotten to
where you are yet, but you may even be thinking that there's more to
life than just sex.

Once you can call any of five or six sexy women who would each
jump at the chance to come crawl in bed with you at any given

moment, a change of pace like hitting a sports bar or even

playing a round of golf starts to sound really good.

I mean, as couples on their honeymoons quickly discover: You can't
have sex all the time.

So the word "balance" just might hit the nail on the head for you.

Considering that you don't necessarily favor any of the terrific
women in your life over the others, I can definitively say that you

would indeed be settling if you just pinned all of their names to

the wall and threw a dart.

It's my experience that a guy in your situation will likely get

knocked out when a woman who checks all the boxes comes along.

Given the amount of experience relating and evaluating women

you have, you're far less likely to grow into seeing a woman as

the right one for you long-term if she doesn't occur as such
sometime over the course of the first few dates, max.

That's one of the many benefits of having been out with lots of
high quality women.

But on the other hand, should you just wipe the slate and give

all these women the "just be friends" talk?

Hmmm...I wouldn't throw the babes out with the bathwater just yet.

If you're enjoying the company of these women, by all means
continue to do so.

But yes, you're going to have to "JBF" some of them. It's a
logistical necessity at this point.

One easy way to make a decision here is to pay careful attention to
whether or not any particular woman's feelings are deepening toward
you such that she may be starting to think you're "The One" even as
you already know she isn't.

You've got to let those women go. Otherwise, you're proceeding
with little concern over their emotions, and that's hurtful.

Assuming, however, that the women in your life are okay with
the casual, non-exclusive nature of your relationship with them,
the decision making process can indeed appear to be more
complicated, can't it?

Considering every woman is an individual, trying to somehow
subjectively decide which women stay in your life may be all but
impossible.

I mean, how do you compare that spunky ex-gymnast brunette to the
leggy, elegant blonde? And those to three other women...each of
whom are exquisite in their own right?

The answer for me was to draw up what I call "The Depth Chart".

What you do is you decide upon ten "must have" factors that your
ideal woman would have going for her.

These can be anything you want them to be. Don't cheat yourself

here by leaving off what others may think is shallow or even a bit

eccentric.

Once you have that list together, rank each woman in your life on a
scale of 1-10 under each respective factor.

Add each of those columns together, and you'll end up with a number
that approaches 100.

Don't skimp when you add up the numbers, either. But at the same
time be honest rather than generous.

This process may sound a bit cut and dried, and even flat-out stone
cold to some.

But when you have multiple women in your life who all are
subjectively fantastic to you, this really is how you get down to
measuring the important traits that portend long term potential (or
otherwise).

In fact, you may shock yourself at how the numbers add up for the
women in your life. There may actually turn out to be wide deltas
between them when these objective factors are held up to the light.

But whatever the case, I can all but assure you that this simple
exercise will help you figure out who to keep in your circle and
who to release so that they can find men who will in turn
appreciate them as much as they deserve.

Ultimately, this will be about deciding which woman you want to
spend the rest of your life with.

You indeed cannot settle. This isn't about charity. You don't marry
a woman because you feel sorry for her or because you think she's
"probably good enough".

And yes, the "I Miss You Factor" was one of the ten columns on my
own, personal version of "The Depth Chart".

Forget what you've heard from any of the PUA guys out there about
getting "one-itis", "developing too much feeling for a woman", etc.

Such advice is designed for newbies who tend to lose emotional
control over a sexually attractive woman, often before they even
meet her.

The point isn't to lose touch with your emotions as a living,

breathing human being.

Feeling is living. And when you've got a mature, evolved
perspective on women and attraction--the kind that comes from
experiential success such as yours--then your feelings will speak
the truth to you.

And if you're not missing certain women when they're not around,
that means that they don't obviate your desire to have other women
in your life.

That's rather elementary logic.

But when a woman who turns out to be "The One" shows up, and
you indeed naturally start wanting her to ride shotgun with you
every night, you'll realize you indeed miss her when she's not
around.

...Even when another woman is.

Ultimately, that's the kind of sign you're looking for.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

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