[X&Y] What If You See A Woman Online Who You Recognize From Real Life?
Published: Thu, 09/20/18
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QUESTION FROM A READER
Funny thing happened a few days ago and I wanna get your take on
Long story short: I discovered that someone I know in real life (and
actually talk to on a regular basis) has an online dating profile.
If we somehow ended up dating, we'd both be settling - she's looking
fora non-smoker, and I find other women more attractive than her - so
I'm not going to 'ignite her femininity'.
But it makes me wonder: What should a man do in such a situation if
he's interested in the woman in question? Tell her in real life that he's
seen her dating profile? Tell her online that he knows her in real life?
I don't know, to be honest they both sound at least a little creepy to
me (the second option far more so than the first).
Can the man take the information that he's gotten from the dating
profile and put it to good use in real-life interactions with the woman,
without giving off that creepy vibe?
Fred (Atlanta, GA)
First off, GREAT question on an important topic I've never written
I think how you proceed completely depends upon the nature of your
relationship with her.
Of particular interest is if she knows who you are, as opposed to you
admiring her from afar.
Basically, if she knows you well I think you're actually better off throwing
it on the table rather than keeping it to yourself.
I mean, given the ubiquity of online dating, I don't think it would be
creepy at all to openly acknowledge the online/offline connection.
Doing so online would be fine, especially given the privacy of the
But even if it might not be obvious to her at first that the two of you know
each other, I'd say a similar but slightly modified strategy can be useful.
Casually tell her where you recognize her from and give her a touch point
For example, "Hey, I know you. Don't you work at the XYZ store?
I'm the guy who buys Gatorade from you a couple of times per week."
You could theoretically tell her in person that you recognize her from
Match, also...especially if you sense a bit of flirtation or even connection
The caveat is that I wouldn't do it if other people are around, especially
Then again, if you already have a flirty connection going on with her,
then who needs online dating anyway? You're already in front of her.
Treat her online dating profile as "intel" that she's single and get her
Given the straightforward examples I just offered, you can see how
theoretically awkward it could get if you beat around the bush between
talking to her online and in person, perpetrating as if you don't realize
she's the same person.
That's what would feel really weird. In fact, that's where the highest
"creep factor" probability resides.
Even though I'm sure you know better, I do want to underscore the
importance of being very clear rather than playing coy, since the latter is
how you'd defintely come off like some sort of creepy stalker.
For example, I once coached a guy who found himself in the exact same
situation you're describing. He went to rent an apartment, and
recognized the rental manager from Match.com.
Where he blew it was when he started to tell her stuff he knew from her
online profile as if he was "cold reading" her, no thanks to misunderstood
She got so freaked out she picked up the phone to call the police before
he talked her off the ledge.
Obviously, that's bad.
It would have gone WAY better for him from the start had he simply told
her directly that he recognized her rather than trying to play mind tricks
Remember always that making a woman feel safe and secure around
you is a pillar of the "big four", and deserve what you want.
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