How and When to Say “Not Now”

I have this dear colleague who absolutely makes me a better coach; we meet every week, and our conversations are inspiring, motivating, and incredibly helpful. She cheers me on, asks hard questions, and gives me the exact amount of compassion I need, and then a little extra for good measure. So, it’s only natural that those conversations lead us to some ideas for collaboration. On one call back in January we got all fired up about recording some videos together, and it was the kind of idea neither one of us could let go. We came up with a few topics, I started a brainstorming list, then I pressed the brakes. I told her I loved the idea, I’m excited to do it, but I couldn’t dive in until at least mid-February.

I thought that was that, and I went about my work, however on our last call my colleague was bursting to ask me “how did you know you couldn’t start the videos until mid-February?!?!” 

You see, we’re aligned on so many things philosophically and business-wise, but we approach our schedules very differently. Having recently been diagnosed with ADHD, she is on a renewed quest to crack the code when it comes to time management. While I never claim to have the solution when it comes to anything, time management is definitely a strength of mine. Her question gave me the opportunity to ask myself that same question and unpack it for you today.

The History

First I should say, I don’t know if this is a skill that comes naturally to me, or if I developed it through practice over time. Likely it’s a bit of both. I certainly find incredible value in having a schedule and knowing when things are happening, so I do my best to keep it up to date. It feels to me like something that snowballs the more you use it, because the more you rely on the tools, the more you use them, and so on. I’m so reliant on my calendar that my partner is even getting better about putting things in our shared calendar, so we don’t get double-booked. 

In the Moment, When the Request Came

Reflecting on the moment when I said I wasn’t free until mid-February, four main criteria went through my head:

1. I have a plan for the year and I stick to it – is this part of the plan?
2. I use a calendar to plan my projects, not just appointments – what’s already in the schedule?
3. I’m doing my very best to keep my stress levels low – will this make me feel overwhelmed?
4. I don’t want to let anyone down – can I keep a high quality of work if I add this to my plate?

Of course I didn’t run through that list in great detail in the moment, I had more of a practiced gut reaction, but these were the decision factors. I knew this was a substantial commitment, so I needed to pause and consider if it was realistic.

Let’s look at these four factors more closely.

Is this part of the plan?

I’ve written many articles before on how I plan my year. I don’t stick to it 100% of the time, but it’s pretty darn close. I took time and care to make that plan, so I don’t like to throw it out the window without at least as much thought as it took to make it.

In this instance, making these videos could be part of the plan. I’m launching an ADHD-Friendly community for business owners in the spring, so making some videos related to focus and time management could be excellent for promotion. 

The other question is “Is this part of the plan right now?” and the answer to that was no. There are other things on my plan right now, like finishing the delivery of a program I help facilitate, and getting more comfortable serving the new client I just started working with. Plus, I’m still in the research phase for my community, so those research interviews will give me more insight into what the videos could be about.

What’s already in the schedule?

I use my calendar to schedule appointments, but I also use it to schedule the projects and tasks I’m working on. When I thought about what was already on my calendar, adding something new felt overwhelming. I knew adding something extra would take time away from building my community, and the time for that is already limited. 

Also, I know that because January and February are always busy months, I like to take some time off at the end of February (and this year in March, too). That means my time to work on other projects is even more condensed, and so are my appointments with clients. 

When you start putting EVERYTHING in your calendar, you quickly see how precious time is. I know it feels overwhelming to many people to have a full calendar, but for me it feels comforting to know what will get done, when.

I know there is a whole separate topic here about knowing how long tasks will take and creating an accurate schedule, but that will have to wait until another article!

Will this make me feel overwhelmed?

This was very much a gut check. I knew I was already feeling overwhelmed, especially because my partner was leaving town for a week, so I felt like I should stick to the basics for awhile until things smoothed out. I have been sick for probably 25% of the past year on and of with various colds, so I’m taking my stress levels very seriously these days to try and stay healthy. I know when I’m overwhelmed, everything suffers.

Can I keep a high quality of work if I take this on?

I really didn’t want to let anyone down, least of all my colleague. She didn’t deserve only half of my attention, so it was more loving for me to say “not now” than “yes” to this project. When you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else, and there wasn’t anything I wanted to take off my plate to make room for this new project. 

The Result

You’re probably expecting that it all worked out, right? Not exactly. You see, I still made a mistake. Now here we are in mid-February, and I’m still not ready to take on this new project. My estimate was wrong. I’ve hardly gotten started on building my community, and I didn’t anticipate getting sick so many times recently. Plus, while my partner was away my daughter got sick, so I lost an extra week of work.

But the biggest lesson in all of this was I should have put it in my calendar. Back in January when I decided to do this project with my colleague, we should have decided on some time and scheduled it right then and there. We didn’t, so now I’m facing the same dilemmas I was when I first suggested mid-February. Of course it will be a higher priority now that so much time has passed, but it will still require some juggling and a further delay to make it happen, which I regret. Lesson learned, though!

This might be a new skill for you to work on, and it might take some bravery at first, but my guess is that it will change your life. (no big deal!) When you can advocate for yourself and set appropriate boundaries around your time, we set a better example for the way we want the world to be. It has a ripple effect and starts shifting how you are with your clients, your family, and your community. Taking a minute to pause and consider what you’re agreeing to just might be the most powerful skill you learn this year. Wanna give it a try?

Key Takeaways and Next Steps

• Before you say yes to something, consider if it fits into the larger plan, if you have time in your schedule to do it, if it makes you feel more overwhelmed, and if it will mean compromising on quality. 
• You don’t have to say “no”, you can say “not yet” instead.
• You probably won’t get it right straight away. It’s okay! It takes practice. If you have time to reflect, you’ll start to remember more often.
• It may feel scary or require some bravery. That’s totally normal. It’s not common for people to say no, so you’re breaking expectations by taking time to think about your answer. This sets a great example and gives others permission to try it, too.
• Now consider, how will you remember to pause before saying yes? What will you do if it feels scary or uncomfortable to say “no” or “not now”?